Overwhelming Joy

The longer I am home for the summer with the kids, the more inspired I am to write about them. The more I am amazed and in awe of them. I love to tell them that they make my heart smile!

I used to struggle to find joy in being a stay at home mom. But the more time I spend with them this summer, the stronger my desire is to be home full time again. I was at home off and on when Matt and Ella were little. Until I found a job at the YMCA that allowed me to take them with me. Seemed like a great plan because they could still be close by and I didn't have to pay a babysitter.  But I still struggled to find joy in that. I would get annoyed when they would get sick and I couldn't go work out or go to work. (Same place by the way.) Don't get me wrong, I loved them to pieces, but I didn't have any joy in being a mom to two children who were only 20 months apart. I actually once had someone say to me, "Why do you want more kids? You don't even like the two you have." Those words really cut quite deep. I liked them! I loved them! I would lay down my own life for them! As a young mom, (early 20's) I was trying to find myself and raise a family. Growing up I didn't have a great role model to know what makes a "joyful" mom. I would often look at those moms who could explain everything to their child in the most eloquent, age appropriate, excited fashion, and think. "Either she's is raving mad or I don't get it."

Fast forward a little...Four years between Ella and Sam. We had to wait so long for Sam, that I had actually nearly given up on having anymore kids. His name is so appropriate because it means "asked of God". I specifically remember praying and asking for him. I also remember submitting to the possibility that there might not be anymore children.  During this time I was waiting for lab results to try and find out why I wasn't getting pregnant. The only results I got were a positive pregnancy test that the Dr had thrown in just for kicks. Talk about a bittersweet moment. So I quit working again and not quite 9 months later I was holding this sweet little boy, whom I absolutely adored. It was like being a first time mom all over. I felt a joy that I hadn't had in so long. I actually had joy! This little (and I mean little since he was our smallest one so far) guy made me ooh and ahh as a mom all over again! Unfortunately by the time he was 2, I was chomping at the bit to go back to work. Fueled by a feeling of inadequacy as an adult who should be working to contribute to our home.

Again we are ready to add to our family. I returned to work, at my kids school. I was there, and so were they. Sam was in a small home daycare. All was good. All except, I really wanted another baby. And again we went thru so much to get pregnant. If you have read any of my other posts, you would know that it was another uphill battle. And another four years between babies. When Sarah was born all decency went out the window. I had become like all those other moms. I now play and enjoy my children like all those other crazy moms. I carry on strange conversations with them. You know, the ones that only a mother and child understand. I cheer them on when one of them gets hurt, as if it were a right of passage. I don't gasp at the dangerous things they attempt. I just pray as I watch!  And everything they do gives me joy. Even when the older two fight, I'm rarely phased.  It has occurred to me that all along my heart was to be at home with them. I was trying to find my self worth in what other people wanted out of me. I love my job, but my kids are my first love. My kids are my self worth.  And being a mom brings me absolute overwhelming joy.

Things I never realized...

It's funny to think back to when I was a kid, and all the things I thought I would say and do when I was all grown up and on my own. I honestly thought that when I was an adult I would actually get to have complete control of my life! The relationships I had helped to form for my kids would always stay the same. And the job I love so much would never change. Funny right? Ya I thought so too. Last year when I was faced with Ella's two best friends moving to new schools, an involuntary transfer for myself to another school, and that leaving my baby with a very loving and attentive babysitter would actually be very hard, it occurred to me I had obviously been living in a dream land!

I thought I had it all figured out as to how many kids we would have, and when. I didn't realize what a rocky  road that would be!  I also didn't realize that I would love them so much it hurts!

We all do this. We all think to ourselves that if we do everything right things will go our way.  I never took the time to realize that we are never in control of anything at all! And we convince ourselves that we are! Then it's an even more humbling experience to realize that God is in control of everything.  We never actually had control to begin with. But I'm thankful, because His love covers all. It even covers my immature, childish thoughts that got me to this point! And I'm glad I did realize that!

Father's Day

How do you honor your Father? Scripture says to honor your Mother and Father. But what if you don't have one, or both? What if even though your mother and father are alive, you don't have a relationship? I have thought about this many times since my children have been born. Ken's parents passed before we had kids. And even though the rest of the family is close, it's very different that our little ones don't have paternal grandparents to grow up with. And then there is my family who lives so far away, in Oregon. We love them lots, but it's hard to be close because we only see them every couple of years.

So today I will honor in my heart my father and father-in-law. But publicly I want to honor the best Daddy I know. That would be my husband. We have been married almost 15 years, and have four amazing children who love and adore him! He is the man who said he never wanted children, yet they captured his heart at that first ultrasound. He cried when they were born, and held them like they were this fragile piece of art, to be sheltered and protected from any harm that might come their way.  Even though he works a lot, he makes time for them in everything he does. He picks up the slack where I leave off. He includes one or more of them when he goes somewhere. The kids favorite thing to do with Daddy is going to the "man store" (Lowe's,  Menard's). I remember the first time he helped Matt with homework. I thought to myself, wow he is the best Dad ever! He changes nasty poopy diapers like a pro, and can brush Ella's hair like he's done it his whole life. And she has a lot of hair! He always finds time to take off work and attend the kids school programs. Most recently he went with Matt on his first Boy Scouts camping trip. Oh and I forgot to mention, he is the kids biggest fan during Pop Warner season! And he doesn't even like football! I often say he can "do it all". I bet if we had unlimited resources, he would build me the house of my dreams!

He is truly the husband and Daddy anyone could ever ask for. I don't brag about him often enough, but as I'm typing this he is currently at urgent care. The last few weeks has worn him out and he is sick with what sounds to me like a sinus infection. But the funny part is, he took Matt with him! He just does whatever needs to be done with kids in tow. Which is how we like it. Everything we do includes our kids. I pray that when our kids are older and have their own family, they will remember how Mom and Dad did things, and remember that it was out of love for them!

Happy Fathers Day to the best Daddy in the world!

Our M.E.S.S.A...

Well this is definitely not the update I had hoped to publish, but here it goes anyway. On June 1st I was excited when the Dr. handed me a paper for an ultrasound to determine the gender of our baby blessing number 5.  Just several weeks before we had made the official announcement with a very fun and creative picture to share our news. We had a lot of worries, and wondered how we would provide for another baby. I had to quit nursing Sarah to give our newest baby a better chance at getting to the 12 week mark. And I often thought, "how is Sarah going to handle losing all her Momma attention to a little sibling?" But I really had a peace inside of me that God would provide all, including the grace for me to have two little ones under the age of two! In my heart I knew I could do it.

The months before we had nervously waited for positive feedback after every ultrasound and trip to the lab for blood work. It seemed this baby was determined to make it on it's own. We had thought we were out of the woods finally. However that day I got my papers turned out to be the worst day of our lives. After many attempts at finding the baby's heartbeat, we were told there wasn't one. No heartbeat. No squirming, kicking, arm flailing, moving baby. Just a very heartbroken Momma and Daddy. I was told I would have to go thru labor, and deliver this little baby that our whole family was already so very excited about.

I was immediately admitted to the OB dept. And Ken had the awful job of going home to tell our children that their baby sibling had passed away and would not be coming home with us. They all cried, and Sam especially asked why he couldn't go to the hospital to see his Momma. After a 25 hour ordeal we did deliver a tiny, perfectly formed, beautiful little boy that was already safely in Heaven with Jesus.

We had been asked many times over the last couple months what our baby's name would be...We had kept it somewhat of a secret because we wanted to make sure we picked the right name. Plus we thought we were having a girl. Boy was I wrong this time! We wanted an A name and thought the name would be Avagail. But when we saw he was a boy we knew his name was Andrew. Andrew Jacob Paul Mosley. We never got to hear his cry, or see him smile. But we know that when we get to Heaven, we will get to spend eternity with him.

A good friend thought it was funny last fall to share a dream with us that she had. In her dream we had three more babies. And that they would have an A, G, and E name. And that instead of a MESS it would be MESSAGE.  At the time we didn't find her very amusing. But when I found out I was pregnant, I thought to myself, "wow maybe God has something bigger planned for us". We had already made a commitment to let God be in complete control of our lives. I had spent the last year sharing with any woman who was, or desired to be pregnant, the miracle God did in our lives. We still, even in this time of horrible sadness, stand  firm in our belief that God has an awesome ministry for our life. And oddly enough, even though Ken had said "there will be no more babies after Sarah", our hearts are still open for more children in our family. So we will wait and see what God has planned for us, and follow Him. And we will welcome any more blessings of babies that He gives us.

The day after I came home from the hospital, Sam wanted to see the picture we had taken of Andrew again. And with a child like faith, and very matter of fact. He said...And I will never forget this. "Momma, our next baby will be a girl, and she won't die." I only hope to capture a little bit of his faith! And I hope it never leaves him! Little children can teach us so many things if only we listen!

Mother's Day

So I'm sitting here on Mother's Day, enjoying the peace and quiet that has settled on my house. The husband and children are all sound asleep and I can actually have time to think! Yesterday while on my walk I had time to reflect on this first Mother's Day without my real mom. Granted she hadn't been in my life for many years. But  I always had it in the back of my mind that if I really wanted to talk to her I would be able to. I could call her and ask her the questions I wanted answers to. So now here I am with these question I want to know answers to, and I won't ever get. I'm regretful that I didn't give her more of a chance when she was here, and alive.
Then we come to my wonderful 2nd Mom, Judy. She has known me my entire life. She has always sent me birthday and Christmas gifts, even now that I'm grown up! She has always loved me like her own. She tolerated me as a teenager, when I'm pretty sure she wanted to sell me! She loves my husband and children like her own. I always joke with Ken and tell him that they like him more than me!
And then we also have my Spiritual Mom, BJ.
 She has only been in our lives about 9-10 years. But she has taught me so many things. She has lovingly and patiently prayed with me, shown me scripture when I needed it. And even gotten a little irritated when I refused to heed her advice! She has been around to see 3 of our 4 children as newborns. She has adopted all of us as her children and grandchildren. Which is nice since the kids don't have any Grandparents here.

All of these women influenced my life in so many ways. I only hope that I take the good from all of them and use it to raise my own children in a Godly, positive, and unforgettable way that they will cherish when they are adults!

Happy Mother's Day!

One AMAZING Year

Not many people would think that a year of wars, earthquakes, tsunamis, and rising gas and grocery costs would equal an amazing year. In the Mosley house that's a different story. One year ago God blessed us with our fourth amazing child.

On April 13th 2010, Miss Sarah Grace Marie Mosley loudly joined our family.  She has been providing us with lots of smiles and tears and earaches since! It's so hard to believe that she is already a year old! Almost two years ago we thought we would never have any more children. The prognosis was grim, heartbreaking in fact. After years of trying to conceive we were told "this isn't going to happen."

Well no one counted on my level of faith. I knew that my God is bigger and a better healer than any doctor with the best education money can buy! And that He did! We partnered with several trusted prayer warriors. And less than two months later we discovered we were indeed expecting! So after lots of prayers, preparation, and stocking up on diapers we were ready to welcome our little girl into our arms and family!

My God is amazing and He never ceases to prove it! 

Here are some pictures of Sarah over the last year. I hope you enjoy them as much as we do!

Regrets...and Second Chances

So today is the 6month anniversary of my mom's passing. I spent a lot of years being very angry and unforgiving. It seems like at every turn I made I was blaming her for something. And doing everything in my power to be NOTHING LIKE HER! I felt like I had been failed as a child. Like I never had a mom. But as time goes by, I realize that she was more of a mom than I ever realized. After all, you know that I've heard things come out of my mouth that I swore I would never say because she said them! And we all do that! I know she was the best mom she knew how to be. After all, I turned out o.k. I got grounded when I messed up. She made sure I went to church. She made sure I went to school. Even if I was dirty. I had to do chores. Which is probably why I hate dishes and laundry! She always tried to be goofy, even when I thought she was a dork!  But she tried and I can't fault her for that.
So now I'm just left with regrets. Regrets that I didn't try harder. Regrets that I didn't embrace her when I could have. Regrets that I didn't ask her all the questions I wanted answers to. And most of all regrets that my kids never had a chance to really know her. But one thing I know for sure. I don't regret that I made peace with her. I don't regret that I finally told her "I love you" just a few weeks before she passed away. And I don't regret that she got to see her grand babies.
I have a second chance though. I have 4 amazing kids that are my entire world!  When you hear people say "Let your mess be your message." I really take that to heart. My MESS is my message. They are awesome! And I will raise them with no regrets! I will always be there to fight for them when they cannot. I will be mean and make them do homework and chores! I will make them show love and kindness to each other even when they don't want to. I will teach them that God our Father comes first above all else! I know the road might be bumpy along the way. But afterwards I want as a family to be able to laugh and joke about the ride! I know I won't regret that!

Above is a picture I took the day of my sister Ruthie's wedding. My mom is in the background. I wish it was a better picture. It was also the last day I got to see and speak to her.