random thoughts

For some odd reason, it has been a very rough week. I realized this last week that I should have a three month old to keep up with. Actually I should rephrase that, A three month old to protect from Sarah! She seems to think she can do anything anyone else here does. And trust me she does her level best to keep up! Like a couple weeks ago when she pushed her chair up to the silver wear drawer to get a knife to cut her own strawberries! I sometimes think to myself that maybe God was protecting me from the exhausting task of trying to keep up with two under two! I might be skinnier if that were the case! Also we would've been a family of seven crammed into a minivan! We only bought this van a year and a half ago, but I'm already wanting to upgrade to a suburban!

In just a few short months Sarah will be out of her crib. That is of course if she doesn't figure out how to scale the side like a fence! And she will also more than likely be out of diapers. Once again I will be out of the baby stage, not really sure if we'll actually reenter it anytime soon.

I was reading devotions with Ella tonight and we read a portion that talked about how Isaac prayed and waited for Rebekah to have a baby for twenty years. And the devotion was teaching about how we have to wait a long time for something and that it becomes a learning time. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn from all this, but it sure feels like twenty years already!

Chosen

Where to begin...

I'm sure your interest is peaked by my title. I just finished the one book I have been searching for in the last seven months. I didn't really know I was searching for this book. I knew about this book, but wasn't really interested. I had no idea that this book was the one book that I needed. I have read so many books on miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss lately that I had honestly become tired of the subject. I've gotten to the point where I just didn't want to talk about Andrew to anyone other than Ken, the kids, and my therapist anymore. My head just kept hearing from the rest of the world that it was time to move on. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get moving sounds like something my Dad would say. Be grateful for what I have isn't really what I want to think when I'm mourning the loss of my son who will never have "firsts" here on earth. The world wants me to move on because they don't know what to say, or how to say it. But who can move on like he never existed? He was a living, growing, squirming little boy that our family was so excited about. And I was chosen to be his Momma. Now, and later forever in Heaven
Angie Smith (her husband is Todd Smith of the group Selah) wrote this amazing book chronicling the birth and death of their daughter. I Will Carry You made me laugh and cry through the entire book! I knew I couldn't possibly be the only one who felt and thought all these things. She put it in a book!!!

I have so many times thought to myself, yelled, begged and pleaded with God wanting to know why He would make us go through something so awful. Why would He take my son? Had I sinned so badly that He was fed up?I had fought so hard to keep him! But you know it struck me suddenly when reading this book last night. God didn't do this to me. HE CHOSE ME! He knew that I felt so passionately for my children. All children. He knows that even though this hurts, that I will still fight to do His will. He knows that Andrew will have an impact on this world.
He knows that I won't back down from a fight. He knows that even right now when my heart hurts for the baby we miscarried just over a week ago, I will still go forward and in His timing do the ministry He has set before us. We will still let Him decide how and when our family will grow. I know now that God must think a lot of me to walk me through such painful times. And I know now that HE CHOSE ME!

The next chapter...

I've been thinking the last few days of this next chapter in our life. No longer will I be walking the halls at school or hanging out with my favorite five year olds. It makes me a little sad, but I know that I will get to go hang out with them periodically. This morning I got to go see them, and spend some time visiting and reading to them. Then they very sweetly demanded I walk them to lunch! They definitely make me smile!

This next chapter means I will be full time momma and wife again. I know this chapter well. I've done it before. I have forgotten what it's like to be home all day with a toddler and feel as though nothing has been accomplished!  Little by little I will get the hang of things again. When I told the kids I wasn't returning to work, they were all very excited. Why? I don't know. They are at school all day! I guess it's just important to them that I am available at all times now.
Since I've been home, everyone seems to be calmer. I feel like pieces of me are beginning to come back. YAY! I see more of the old Ginny a little every day! Even my prayer life is coming back. I am finally able to read my bible and not feel like its a blur. My brain is starting to reorganize as well. I can actually stay on task and remember all that needs to be done. And mostly I don't feel so overwhelmed by life or grief.  The kids are not so stressed out either. Sam no longer begs me to stay with him at school. In fact he gets right into his work. He was the one child I was most worried about after Andrew died. I had really thought it might benefit him to go to counseling. The other night I had to take Matt to the hospital to xray his finger for a possible fracture. It was a little crazy, but we all kept it together well. This lady came walking by and was asking questions about our family, Wow they are so well mannered. 2boys, 2 girls. Are you going to have anymore? The typical questions I get whenever we are out... The kids all made me proud. Their answers were as follows... (Oh yes hopefully! Ya, we might be the next Duggars! We want a new baby soon!) They are amazing kids! It was also the first time Sam didn't mention his baby brother in heaven to a perfect stranger. I guess time does heal all wounds.

It was very hard to make the decision to stay at home again. Not that I had much choice. There was a part of me though that worried I would regret quitting my job. After all, I LOVE IT! But God has been stirring in me this desire to be home again since before I became pregnant with Andrew. I know that His plans for my life include a strong desire to minister to other women, and mostly moms. Now I can see that even losing Andrew will be a ministry opportunity. Suddenly I find myself wanting to reach out to other moms who have recently been through the same ordeal as myself. My heart goes out to them with such an understanding that most women wouldn't know unless they had been through this as well. I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life. And when I start to think I want to go back to work, I'll remind myself that God called me back home for a reason!

October 1st.

 Four months to the day that my world came crashing down around me. Four months ago we found that my sweet Andrew went to be with Jesus. I wonder if the first of every month will always feel like a stab to my heart? It's hard to think about how close to the end of my pregnancy I would be. In just a few short weeks I would've been holding my little boy, relishing in his beauty and God's amazing miracle that is life. I often wonder what his personality would've been like. Maybe he would've been just as silly as his big brothers and sisters. Would he have had curly hair like his daddy? Or maybe it would've been blonde like when Sam was little?
I know I won't have any answers this side of heaven. But I honestly can't wait to meet him and grab him up in my arms and hug and kiss his face all over. Until then I will continue to have faith that he is safe with our heavenly father. I will continue to have faith even when I doubt. Yes even Christians doubt. And I have had many doubting days. I will continue to praise God when it hurts. I will continue to love Him when I'm frustrated and angry. I know that God must think I'm strong enough to handle such a heavy burden. And honestly most days I'm not up for such a burden. But I know that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Stuck in the desert

I started this blog in February thinking I would have so much to say...
I'm trying to find inspiration and yet I feel like I'm barely wandering around here.
For several months last spring we thought our family was moving to Texas. We really felt in our heart that God was calling us there for some crazy reason! You know He has a great sense of humor! But like I've said before, we are determined to live our lives allowing Him to be in complete control. Its funny because Texas is the last place I would want to go. It's hot there! And I can't run when it's hot! But today I was reminded that it's also a desert place of sorts. I was also reminded of how God allows us to go through the deserts of life. Maybe He was preparing our hearts for the driest desert we've ever known?
I'm reminded of when Jesus was in the wilderness and angels ministered to him. And when the Jews were in the desert for forty years, yet God was with them. The last few months we have had so many people ministering to us. Holding us up when we couldn't stand on our own. Praying for us and just loving us. I am so grateful for all of those wonderful people. The last couple weeks have been the driest moments of my spiritual journey yet. I had begun to think that no amount of medication or therapy was going to help. I had felt myself falling, again, and fast! And honestly I was mad! I never knew it was possible to actually be mad at God! I really thought it was such a level of disrespect to be mad. I've grown up my whole life in church. I know what His word says. But in my anger I wanted to tell Him I thought His word was a load of crap! I wanted to know how could he give me this testimony with our struggles to conceive and then be blessed with Sarah, and then get pregnant so quickly with Andrew, but then take him away from us? I felt like my testimony had been tainted. Not as powerful as it once was. Because now there was more hurt. Not only did this hurt Ken and I, it hurt our children!
Now I realize just how my own children feel when they are angry with me. When they don't get what they want and I am the one to comfort them. Or when they lose something dear to their hearts and I have to figure out a way to reach them in a way they will understand. It's been an eye opening experience to see myself as the child as well. It is a very long, dry journey. But I'm sure that when I get to the other side of this desert, there will be a wonderful oasis to rest in. And thankfully, God will still love me no matter what!

Begining to move forward

It's been a while since I've written. Mainly because I didn't have anything positive to say. Granted I have posted nearly every day this summer to keep family updated on our crazy life and the MESS.

This week has actually been the easiest week since Andrew went to heaven to be with Jesus. The last two and a half months are starting to look like a blur. I find that a little annoying, since as painful as it has been, I don't want to forget anything. So I'm choosing not to forget, but to move forward. It's all I know to do. I know that God will use this as an opportunity to minister to other women. I know His word says that what satan meant for evil, God meant for good. So I am choosing to believe that good will come from losing our baby. Andrew has forever changed us and we won't ever forget how deeply he touched our lives.

Today I picked up his pictures from the hospital. It was the one last thing I needed in order to move forward. I also took a gift to my two nurses that took care of me while we were there. They were wonderful. Until you go thru something as awful as losing a baby, you never realize just how hard their job is. It really blessed me to see how touched the one nurse was by my gift. Definitely a good ending to a bad couple of months!

Monday I officially start back to work for the school year. I am excited to meet all my new students. I am also looking forward to the distractions that will keep me from dwelling on how much I miss my baby. And much like my new motto of moving forward our kids are moving forward as well. They will be attending a new school. All three of them, together! That is a first! I'm sad and excited at the same time. Matt is going to be in sixth grade. Ella will be in fourth grade. And my little Sam, who is a character all in his own way, will be a kindergartner. I just don't know where time goes. But we are all excited for the new school year!

Moving forward is so so very hard, but necessary. So with that said, here's to a new "year".

Overwhelming Joy

The longer I am home for the summer with the kids, the more inspired I am to write about them. The more I am amazed and in awe of them. I love to tell them that they make my heart smile!

I used to struggle to find joy in being a stay at home mom. But the more time I spend with them this summer, the stronger my desire is to be home full time again. I was at home off and on when Matt and Ella were little. Until I found a job at the YMCA that allowed me to take them with me. Seemed like a great plan because they could still be close by and I didn't have to pay a babysitter.  But I still struggled to find joy in that. I would get annoyed when they would get sick and I couldn't go work out or go to work. (Same place by the way.) Don't get me wrong, I loved them to pieces, but I didn't have any joy in being a mom to two children who were only 20 months apart. I actually once had someone say to me, "Why do you want more kids? You don't even like the two you have." Those words really cut quite deep. I liked them! I loved them! I would lay down my own life for them! As a young mom, (early 20's) I was trying to find myself and raise a family. Growing up I didn't have a great role model to know what makes a "joyful" mom. I would often look at those moms who could explain everything to their child in the most eloquent, age appropriate, excited fashion, and think. "Either she's is raving mad or I don't get it."

Fast forward a little...Four years between Ella and Sam. We had to wait so long for Sam, that I had actually nearly given up on having anymore kids. His name is so appropriate because it means "asked of God". I specifically remember praying and asking for him. I also remember submitting to the possibility that there might not be anymore children.  During this time I was waiting for lab results to try and find out why I wasn't getting pregnant. The only results I got were a positive pregnancy test that the Dr had thrown in just for kicks. Talk about a bittersweet moment. So I quit working again and not quite 9 months later I was holding this sweet little boy, whom I absolutely adored. It was like being a first time mom all over. I felt a joy that I hadn't had in so long. I actually had joy! This little (and I mean little since he was our smallest one so far) guy made me ooh and ahh as a mom all over again! Unfortunately by the time he was 2, I was chomping at the bit to go back to work. Fueled by a feeling of inadequacy as an adult who should be working to contribute to our home.

Again we are ready to add to our family. I returned to work, at my kids school. I was there, and so were they. Sam was in a small home daycare. All was good. All except, I really wanted another baby. And again we went thru so much to get pregnant. If you have read any of my other posts, you would know that it was another uphill battle. And another four years between babies. When Sarah was born all decency went out the window. I had become like all those other moms. I now play and enjoy my children like all those other crazy moms. I carry on strange conversations with them. You know, the ones that only a mother and child understand. I cheer them on when one of them gets hurt, as if it were a right of passage. I don't gasp at the dangerous things they attempt. I just pray as I watch!  And everything they do gives me joy. Even when the older two fight, I'm rarely phased.  It has occurred to me that all along my heart was to be at home with them. I was trying to find my self worth in what other people wanted out of me. I love my job, but my kids are my first love. My kids are my self worth.  And being a mom brings me absolute overwhelming joy.