I wasn't really sure how well I would take to being home again once the dust surrounding my leave/resignation settled. I new there was so much to keep me occupied, as well as keeping after a very busy little girl!
I began mostly by resting, giving Sarah lots of Momma attention, and going to therapy when the kids were at school. Slowly I dug into that once heard of task called housework. It occurred to me rather quickly that these people in my house are pigs!(I still love them despite their messes!) And the work never ends! Plus they eat all the time! I think I have cooked more in the last four months than I have in the last four years!
I'm also seeing that we are getting closer to the end of a very hard, long year. My grief process is getting easier every day. There are less bad days now, and more days of productivity, less tears, and more normalcy. Some days I am painfully reminded that I don't have Andrew here with us. And then there are days that I'm actually a little relieved that I don't have two babies in diapers.
So now I'm spending most of my day with Sarah, occasionally subbing at the kids school, less time in therapy, more time in the gym, and as little time cleaning as possible! I'm settling into this idea of being a stay at home mom again. I do love it! Although this week I actually uttered that famous mom phrase of "I need to have some adult time!"
Friday, March 2, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
The Most wonderful six year old I know
Yesterday I looked at Sam and I just couldn't believe that he was a day away from his sixth birthday. Why oh why does time have to fly by so quickly? I'm going to share some of my favorite things about him.
He has always been a very laid back kid. He rarely fussed as a baby, and totally rolled with our crazy life. He was very content to hang out and chew on his blanky. ( A disgusting habit I'm hoping he's ready to be rid of!)
When he was 2, he would say "Momma my fat fat hurts" to tell me he was hungry! We still smile and occasionally use that term to describe hunger in our house!
He is very compassionate. He loves all animals. I can often find him in his bedroom making makeshift homes for all his stuffed animals. They are also all named! When he was four he made it his mission to save every frog or "toady" he found. One giant frog had been in a bucket too long and I saved it's life by letting him go. Sam however was utterly crushed that the toad had "gotten away". Once he carried a loving stray cat all over the yard for days, claiming he was no longer allergic, as his eyes ran and snot poured from his nose. How could I disagree when he was so proud of himself? And after all the cat really was enjoying the attention! He even had an imaginary beagle named Jake, after our old dog Jake!
I knew he was growing up fast when we switched gears from Bob the builder and Yo Gabba Gabba, to Transformers and Super Hero's. He is now crazy mad about Transformers! He knows everything there is to know about them, minus the third movie since we have decided he's way too young to see it.
He is loving. He never fails to rub the top of a babies head or plant a kiss on their head when one is near. He loves his siblings very much and often asks one of the bigger kids to play with him. He also totally understands Jesus' love for us.
He's funny! Sam has this amazing belly laugh! He cracks up at random antics that occur in our home. He loves to make up funny knock knock jokes! Sometimes they even make sense! When taking a picture at the zoo this summer he stood in the face part of one of those carnival like cartoon drawings, and blurted out... "I've been a baaaad boy." The picture happened to have been a lion!
playing video games with Matt
Listening to sissy's music!
Beloved Boo time
Cutest ring bearer ever!
Bird egg he found in the front yard.
I've been a baaad boy!
First day of kindergarten!
He is amazing! He is the third child we didn't know if we'd ever have. I remember praying and asking God for him. His name means "asked of God". I got a call later that week from the Dr's office informing me I was actually pregnant! I can't imagine our life without him, and he has truly enriched our life as a family!
Happy Birthday to my sweet, compassionate, loving, funny six year old!
He has always been a very laid back kid. He rarely fussed as a baby, and totally rolled with our crazy life. He was very content to hang out and chew on his blanky. ( A disgusting habit I'm hoping he's ready to be rid of!)
When he was 2, he would say "Momma my fat fat hurts" to tell me he was hungry! We still smile and occasionally use that term to describe hunger in our house!
He is very compassionate. He loves all animals. I can often find him in his bedroom making makeshift homes for all his stuffed animals. They are also all named! When he was four he made it his mission to save every frog or "toady" he found. One giant frog had been in a bucket too long and I saved it's life by letting him go. Sam however was utterly crushed that the toad had "gotten away". Once he carried a loving stray cat all over the yard for days, claiming he was no longer allergic, as his eyes ran and snot poured from his nose. How could I disagree when he was so proud of himself? And after all the cat really was enjoying the attention! He even had an imaginary beagle named Jake, after our old dog Jake!
I knew he was growing up fast when we switched gears from Bob the builder and Yo Gabba Gabba, to Transformers and Super Hero's. He is now crazy mad about Transformers! He knows everything there is to know about them, minus the third movie since we have decided he's way too young to see it.
He is loving. He never fails to rub the top of a babies head or plant a kiss on their head when one is near. He loves his siblings very much and often asks one of the bigger kids to play with him. He also totally understands Jesus' love for us.
He's funny! Sam has this amazing belly laugh! He cracks up at random antics that occur in our home. He loves to make up funny knock knock jokes! Sometimes they even make sense! When taking a picture at the zoo this summer he stood in the face part of one of those carnival like cartoon drawings, and blurted out... "I've been a baaaad boy." The picture happened to have been a lion!
He is amazing! He is the third child we didn't know if we'd ever have. I remember praying and asking God for him. His name means "asked of God". I got a call later that week from the Dr's office informing me I was actually pregnant! I can't imagine our life without him, and he has truly enriched our life as a family!
Happy Birthday to my sweet, compassionate, loving, funny six year old!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
random thoughts
For some odd reason, it has been a very rough week. I realized this last week that I should have a three month old to keep up with. Actually I should rephrase that, A three month old to protect from Sarah! She seems to think she can do anything anyone else here does. And trust me she does her level best to keep up! Like a couple weeks ago when she pushed her chair up to the silver wear drawer to get a knife to cut her own strawberries! I sometimes think to myself that maybe God was protecting me from the exhausting task of trying to keep up with two under two! I might be skinnier if that were the case! Also we would've been a family of seven crammed into a minivan! We only bought this van a year and a half ago, but I'm already wanting to upgrade to a suburban!
In just a few short months Sarah will be out of her crib. That is of course if she doesn't figure out how to scale the side like a fence! And she will also more than likely be out of diapers. Once again I will be out of the baby stage, not really sure if we'll actually reenter it anytime soon.
I was reading devotions with Ella tonight and we read a portion that talked about how Isaac prayed and waited for Rebekah to have a baby for twenty years. And the devotion was teaching about how we have to wait a long time for something and that it becomes a learning time. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn from all this, but it sure feels like twenty years already!
In just a few short months Sarah will be out of her crib. That is of course if she doesn't figure out how to scale the side like a fence! And she will also more than likely be out of diapers. Once again I will be out of the baby stage, not really sure if we'll actually reenter it anytime soon.
I was reading devotions with Ella tonight and we read a portion that talked about how Isaac prayed and waited for Rebekah to have a baby for twenty years. And the devotion was teaching about how we have to wait a long time for something and that it becomes a learning time. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn from all this, but it sure feels like twenty years already!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Chosen
Where to begin...
I'm sure your interest is peaked by my title. I just finished the one book I have been searching for in the last seven months. I didn't really know I was searching for this book. I knew about this book, but wasn't really interested. I had no idea that this book was the one book that I needed. I have read so many books on miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss lately that I had honestly become tired of the subject. I've gotten to the point where I just didn't want to talk about Andrew to anyone other than Ken, the kids, and my therapist anymore. My head just kept hearing from the rest of the world that it was time to move on. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get moving sounds like something my Dad would say. Be grateful for what I have isn't really what I want to think when I'm mourning the loss of my son who will never have "firsts" here on earth. The world wants me to move on because they don't know what to say, or how to say it. But who can move on like he never existed? He was a living, growing, squirming little boy that our family was so excited about. And I was chosen to be his Momma. Now, and later forever in Heaven
Angie Smith (her husband is Todd Smith of the group Selah) wrote this amazing book chronicling the birth and death of their daughter. I Will Carry You made me laugh and cry through the entire book! I knew I couldn't possibly be the only one who felt and thought all these things. She put it in a book!!!
I have so many times thought to myself, yelled, begged and pleaded with God wanting to know why He would make us go through something so awful. Why would He take my son? Had I sinned so badly that He was fed up?I had fought so hard to keep him! But you know it struck me suddenly when reading this book last night. God didn't do this to me. HE CHOSE ME! He knew that I felt so passionately for my children. All children. He knows that even though this hurts, that I will still fight to do His will. He knows that Andrew will have an impact on this world.
He knows that I won't back down from a fight. He knows that even right now when my heart hurts for the baby we miscarried just over a week ago, I will still go forward and in His timing do the ministry He has set before us. We will still let Him decide how and when our family will grow. I know now that God must think a lot of me to walk me through such painful times. And I know now that HE CHOSE ME!
I'm sure your interest is peaked by my title. I just finished the one book I have been searching for in the last seven months. I didn't really know I was searching for this book. I knew about this book, but wasn't really interested. I had no idea that this book was the one book that I needed. I have read so many books on miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss lately that I had honestly become tired of the subject. I've gotten to the point where I just didn't want to talk about Andrew to anyone other than Ken, the kids, and my therapist anymore. My head just kept hearing from the rest of the world that it was time to move on. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get moving sounds like something my Dad would say. Be grateful for what I have isn't really what I want to think when I'm mourning the loss of my son who will never have "firsts" here on earth. The world wants me to move on because they don't know what to say, or how to say it. But who can move on like he never existed? He was a living, growing, squirming little boy that our family was so excited about. And I was chosen to be his Momma. Now, and later forever in Heaven
Angie Smith (her husband is Todd Smith of the group Selah) wrote this amazing book chronicling the birth and death of their daughter. I Will Carry You made me laugh and cry through the entire book! I knew I couldn't possibly be the only one who felt and thought all these things. She put it in a book!!!
I have so many times thought to myself, yelled, begged and pleaded with God wanting to know why He would make us go through something so awful. Why would He take my son? Had I sinned so badly that He was fed up?I had fought so hard to keep him! But you know it struck me suddenly when reading this book last night. God didn't do this to me. HE CHOSE ME! He knew that I felt so passionately for my children. All children. He knows that even though this hurts, that I will still fight to do His will. He knows that Andrew will have an impact on this world.
He knows that I won't back down from a fight. He knows that even right now when my heart hurts for the baby we miscarried just over a week ago, I will still go forward and in His timing do the ministry He has set before us. We will still let Him decide how and when our family will grow. I know now that God must think a lot of me to walk me through such painful times. And I know now that HE CHOSE ME!
Friday, November 18, 2011
The next chapter...
I've been thinking the last few days of this next chapter in our life. No longer will I be walking the halls at school or hanging out with my favorite five year olds. It makes me a little sad, but I know that I will get to go hang out with them periodically. This morning I got to go see them, and spend some time visiting and reading to them. Then they very sweetly demanded I walk them to lunch! They definitely make me smile!
This next chapter means I will be full time momma and wife again. I know this chapter well. I've done it before. I have forgotten what it's like to be home all day with a toddler and feel as though nothing has been accomplished! Little by little I will get the hang of things again. When I told the kids I wasn't returning to work, they were all very excited. Why? I don't know. They are at school all day! I guess it's just important to them that I am available at all times now.
Since I've been home, everyone seems to be calmer. I feel like pieces of me are beginning to come back. YAY! I see more of the old Ginny a little every day! Even my prayer life is coming back. I am finally able to read my bible and not feel like its a blur. My brain is starting to reorganize as well. I can actually stay on task and remember all that needs to be done. And mostly I don't feel so overwhelmed by life or grief. The kids are not so stressed out either. Sam no longer begs me to stay with him at school. In fact he gets right into his work. He was the one child I was most worried about after Andrew died. I had really thought it might benefit him to go to counseling. The other night I had to take Matt to the hospital to xray his finger for a possible fracture. It was a little crazy, but we all kept it together well. This lady came walking by and was asking questions about our family, Wow they are so well mannered. 2boys, 2 girls. Are you going to have anymore? The typical questions I get whenever we are out... The kids all made me proud. Their answers were as follows... (Oh yes hopefully! Ya, we might be the next Duggars! We want a new baby soon!) They are amazing kids! It was also the first time Sam didn't mention his baby brother in heaven to a perfect stranger. I guess time does heal all wounds.
It was very hard to make the decision to stay at home again. Not that I had much choice. There was a part of me though that worried I would regret quitting my job. After all, I LOVE IT! But God has been stirring in me this desire to be home again since before I became pregnant with Andrew. I know that His plans for my life include a strong desire to minister to other women, and mostly moms. Now I can see that even losing Andrew will be a ministry opportunity. Suddenly I find myself wanting to reach out to other moms who have recently been through the same ordeal as myself. My heart goes out to them with such an understanding that most women wouldn't know unless they had been through this as well. I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life. And when I start to think I want to go back to work, I'll remind myself that God called me back home for a reason!
This next chapter means I will be full time momma and wife again. I know this chapter well. I've done it before. I have forgotten what it's like to be home all day with a toddler and feel as though nothing has been accomplished! Little by little I will get the hang of things again. When I told the kids I wasn't returning to work, they were all very excited. Why? I don't know. They are at school all day! I guess it's just important to them that I am available at all times now.
Since I've been home, everyone seems to be calmer. I feel like pieces of me are beginning to come back. YAY! I see more of the old Ginny a little every day! Even my prayer life is coming back. I am finally able to read my bible and not feel like its a blur. My brain is starting to reorganize as well. I can actually stay on task and remember all that needs to be done. And mostly I don't feel so overwhelmed by life or grief. The kids are not so stressed out either. Sam no longer begs me to stay with him at school. In fact he gets right into his work. He was the one child I was most worried about after Andrew died. I had really thought it might benefit him to go to counseling. The other night I had to take Matt to the hospital to xray his finger for a possible fracture. It was a little crazy, but we all kept it together well. This lady came walking by and was asking questions about our family, Wow they are so well mannered. 2boys, 2 girls. Are you going to have anymore? The typical questions I get whenever we are out... The kids all made me proud. Their answers were as follows... (Oh yes hopefully! Ya, we might be the next Duggars! We want a new baby soon!) They are amazing kids! It was also the first time Sam didn't mention his baby brother in heaven to a perfect stranger. I guess time does heal all wounds.
It was very hard to make the decision to stay at home again. Not that I had much choice. There was a part of me though that worried I would regret quitting my job. After all, I LOVE IT! But God has been stirring in me this desire to be home again since before I became pregnant with Andrew. I know that His plans for my life include a strong desire to minister to other women, and mostly moms. Now I can see that even losing Andrew will be a ministry opportunity. Suddenly I find myself wanting to reach out to other moms who have recently been through the same ordeal as myself. My heart goes out to them with such an understanding that most women wouldn't know unless they had been through this as well. I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life. And when I start to think I want to go back to work, I'll remind myself that God called me back home for a reason!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
October 1st.
Four months to the day that my world came crashing down around me. Four months ago we found that my sweet Andrew went to be with Jesus. I wonder if the first of every month will always feel like a stab to my heart? It's hard to think about how close to the end of my pregnancy I would be. In just a few short weeks I would've been holding my little boy, relishing in his beauty and God's amazing miracle that is life. I often wonder what his personality would've been like. Maybe he would've been just as silly as his big brothers and sisters. Would he have had curly hair like his daddy? Or maybe it would've been blonde like when Sam was little?
I know I won't have any answers this side of heaven. But I honestly can't wait to meet him and grab him up in my arms and hug and kiss his face all over. Until then I will continue to have faith that he is safe with our heavenly father. I will continue to have faith even when I doubt. Yes even Christians doubt. And I have had many doubting days. I will continue to praise God when it hurts. I will continue to love Him when I'm frustrated and angry. I know that God must think I'm strong enough to handle such a heavy burden. And honestly most days I'm not up for such a burden. But I know that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
I know I won't have any answers this side of heaven. But I honestly can't wait to meet him and grab him up in my arms and hug and kiss his face all over. Until then I will continue to have faith that he is safe with our heavenly father. I will continue to have faith even when I doubt. Yes even Christians doubt. And I have had many doubting days. I will continue to praise God when it hurts. I will continue to love Him when I'm frustrated and angry. I know that God must think I'm strong enough to handle such a heavy burden. And honestly most days I'm not up for such a burden. But I know that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Stuck in the desert
I started this blog in February thinking I would have so much to say...
I'm trying to find inspiration and yet I feel like I'm barely wandering around here.
For several months last spring we thought our family was moving to Texas. We really felt in our heart that God was calling us there for some crazy reason! You know He has a great sense of humor! But like I've said before, we are determined to live our lives allowing Him to be in complete control. Its funny because Texas is the last place I would want to go. It's hot there! And I can't run when it's hot! But today I was reminded that it's also a desert place of sorts. I was also reminded of how God allows us to go through the deserts of life. Maybe He was preparing our hearts for the driest desert we've ever known?
I'm reminded of when Jesus was in the wilderness and angels ministered to him. And when the Jews were in the desert for forty years, yet God was with them. The last few months we have had so many people ministering to us. Holding us up when we couldn't stand on our own. Praying for us and just loving us. I am so grateful for all of those wonderful people. The last couple weeks have been the driest moments of my spiritual journey yet. I had begun to think that no amount of medication or therapy was going to help. I had felt myself falling, again, and fast! And honestly I was mad! I never knew it was possible to actually be mad at God! I really thought it was such a level of disrespect to be mad. I've grown up my whole life in church. I know what His word says. But in my anger I wanted to tell Him I thought His word was a load of crap! I wanted to know how could he give me this testimony with our struggles to conceive and then be blessed with Sarah, and then get pregnant so quickly with Andrew, but then take him away from us? I felt like my testimony had been tainted. Not as powerful as it once was. Because now there was more hurt. Not only did this hurt Ken and I, it hurt our children!
Now I realize just how my own children feel when they are angry with me. When they don't get what they want and I am the one to comfort them. Or when they lose something dear to their hearts and I have to figure out a way to reach them in a way they will understand. It's been an eye opening experience to see myself as the child as well. It is a very long, dry journey. But I'm sure that when I get to the other side of this desert, there will be a wonderful oasis to rest in. And thankfully, God will still love me no matter what!
I'm trying to find inspiration and yet I feel like I'm barely wandering around here.
For several months last spring we thought our family was moving to Texas. We really felt in our heart that God was calling us there for some crazy reason! You know He has a great sense of humor! But like I've said before, we are determined to live our lives allowing Him to be in complete control. Its funny because Texas is the last place I would want to go. It's hot there! And I can't run when it's hot! But today I was reminded that it's also a desert place of sorts. I was also reminded of how God allows us to go through the deserts of life. Maybe He was preparing our hearts for the driest desert we've ever known?
I'm reminded of when Jesus was in the wilderness and angels ministered to him. And when the Jews were in the desert for forty years, yet God was with them. The last few months we have had so many people ministering to us. Holding us up when we couldn't stand on our own. Praying for us and just loving us. I am so grateful for all of those wonderful people. The last couple weeks have been the driest moments of my spiritual journey yet. I had begun to think that no amount of medication or therapy was going to help. I had felt myself falling, again, and fast! And honestly I was mad! I never knew it was possible to actually be mad at God! I really thought it was such a level of disrespect to be mad. I've grown up my whole life in church. I know what His word says. But in my anger I wanted to tell Him I thought His word was a load of crap! I wanted to know how could he give me this testimony with our struggles to conceive and then be blessed with Sarah, and then get pregnant so quickly with Andrew, but then take him away from us? I felt like my testimony had been tainted. Not as powerful as it once was. Because now there was more hurt. Not only did this hurt Ken and I, it hurt our children!
Now I realize just how my own children feel when they are angry with me. When they don't get what they want and I am the one to comfort them. Or when they lose something dear to their hearts and I have to figure out a way to reach them in a way they will understand. It's been an eye opening experience to see myself as the child as well. It is a very long, dry journey. But I'm sure that when I get to the other side of this desert, there will be a wonderful oasis to rest in. And thankfully, God will still love me no matter what!
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