Mom of the year

Last Wednesday was an unexpected bad Andrew day. Two days before I put on my big girl undies and put the last bag of baby toys out in the garage. Sarah hadn't played with them in over a year! The next day I held my friends baby girl and rocked her to sleep. Holding babies doesn't bother me anymore, so now I actually enjoy it! Well I woke up Wednesday morning and realized I was an emotional wreck. I felt like I'd gone backwards by months. After all the emotional progress I've made it often frustrates me when I have these days. I know its normal, and these days will come, but its still hard. Some days I have faith that we'll have more children, and other days I tell myself that I will be so very happy if I never have to wipe a dirty bottom again! Wednesday was a day I felt the latter.

All day I was grumpy, emotional, out of sorts, and annoyed by all four kids and their sinful natures. I was beginning to feel like I was failing in my role as a mom and teacher. Not one of them wanted to cooperate with any of my requests. I heard "no" so many times that my head hurt and I was getting angry. For a brief moment I started daydreaming about sending them back to school. Who in their right mind would want any more children when these four were being so difficult?!

We headed to gymnastics and I was desperate for a few minutes of peace and quiet. I sent all the kids in while I sat in the van to make a phone call to my Momma Judy. My step aunt answered the phone since Judy was driving. I never really knew Aunt Betty as I was growing up but since I joined Facebook I have re-connected with her. What she said to me was much needed medicine for the day. She wanted me to know that she watches what I put on Facebook and she just wanted me to know that she thinks I'm "AMAZING!" I don't really remember much of what else she said, but I do know it had to do with my parenting. This was truly God using her because since losing Andrew I have heard that exact word over and over again.

I've spent my entire life trying to prove to the world that I am nothing like my mother was. I wanted to prove to the whole world that I am not Audrey, but my own person. I also wanted to be a better mom than she was able to be. I wanted to get it right the first time. And I didn't want to be judged harshly for making mistakes. Wednesday I felt like I was failing and God reminded me that I was doing okay after all.

Later in the day Ella came to me and gave me an early Mother's Day gift. It was a little bear that had writing on it "mom of the year". After all my mixed emotions that day it was another gift from God reminding me all my hard work is not going unnoticed.

I've been telling my therapist for nearly a year that there must be something wrong with me to want a large family. I was secretly worried she'd be brutally honest and tell me I had some major mental defect and surely I was a lost cause. Well thankfully she's not that brutal! Maybe I'm working towards mom of the year? Maybe I really am amazing?

Tears of Joy

Several weeks ago, before winter was "officially" over we finally had a big snowfall. It was the kind of snowstorm that parents dread and school age kids pray for. Parents dread looking for last minute childcare, and even driving in it. Kids are just excited to have the day off from school and play in the snow! When you're a home school family these things don't even phase you. You either continue with your regular routine, or declare a snow day. We chose snow day. Daddy was home from work that day too, as he didn't want to chance the nearly hour long drive in bad weather. My new motto has been to have a great time and enjoy these kids while I can!

The Lord had been speaking to my heart a lot lately about finding true joy. Not the kind you have when you find a sale, or eat a really great piece of chocolate. But the kind of joy that comes from deep within. Joy unspeakable. The kind of Joy that says "it doesn't matter what's going on in life we are going to enjoy life to the fullest". Joy is also a  fruit of the spirit (Gal 5:22). It seemed that every area of my life I was hearing about joy. T.V., radio, church sermon, and even in my bible study. God surely had something to say to me in this area of my life.

It's been nearly two years since we lost Andrew, and while there are still days that we talk about the what ifs, and wish he was here with us, life has really gotten back to normal. Something I didn't ever think was going to happen again. Not long after he died; we as a family all wanted something special to remember him by. So we all got a piece of jewelry. This is mine.

The day of the big snow I noticed I had a rather difficult knot in my chain. I wanted to get it fixed right away but needed Ken to do it for me. And since he was outside plowing the driveway I reluctantly removed the necklace. I never, and I mean never take it off unless I really have to, and only for a short time. You could almost say I'm obsessed with keeping it on. (I just realized that might be another subject for therapy!) I forced myself to go sledding with the family WITHOUT my necklace. After all I was determined this was going to be a great spontaneous snow day.

I have not owned any snow gear my entire adult life. But now that my older two are bigger than me, I have their hand me down snow gear! This is also the first winter in a long time that I could go sledding without either being pregnant, trying to get pregnant, worried I might be pregnant, or had a little one too small to take sledding. We all got bundled up and headed outdoors. Sarah is IN LOVE with snow. So there is never a problem convincing her to go out. She's out in the snow before I even get a minute to get ready. Sam had never been sledding before and was very excited to try it out. We played in the yard first and Sarah built her first snowman. Then after gathering all the sleds we headed to a local school that had a few hilly areas. I was expecting other kids to be there, but it turned out we were by ourselves. That is my idea of fun, because I still don't like crowds of people.

We trudged through the snow, passed the playground, and began making our mark in the snow so to speak. I was very excited to see how much the kids would enjoy sledding. I still had it in the back of my mind that my necklace was at home. I felt as if I had left one of our children at home. Strange? Maybe. But for a mom who has lost a child, even a necklace is like having a part of that child with you.

Then it happened. After several trial runs down the hill, Ken took Sam down the hill first. Sam was so thrilled! He laughed all the way down. And at the bottom he loudly proclaimed "that was awesome" I'm crying tears of joy!" Oh my goodness we laughed so hard! He was right though! A trip down a snow covered hill is little in some peoples eyes. But for a recovering family, it's huge! It really is the little things in life that matter. At that moment I realized this was the kind of joy God was speaking to me about. I can go on and live my life without Andrew, have joy, enjoy my family, and even leave the house without my little piece of him. And it really is okay to move on.

Tears of joy!

We all had a great time, even me!  Everyone took turns going down the hill. Sarah eventually got tired of the hill and decided the playground was more enticing. And afterwards we left soaking wet and headed to McDonald's for hot chocolate. It was a great end to a snowy day.

...God intended for good

We have been a houseful of sick people the last two weeks. The stomach flu hit quite hard. And by hard, I can only describe it in one way...Pizza vomit. I have spent a lot of these last two weeks feeling like I was in that episode of the Brady Bunch where all the kids get sick at the same time, and Carol and Alice are literally run ragged by all the needs  and sometimes demands of sick kids. I always thought that episode was funny...not so much anymore!

But on the bright side of it, we have been forced to stay home more than usual. We have had lots of movie, snuggle time. And even some great heart to heart talks. Which really have been all part of God's amazing time frame!

When people told me that Andrew's death would bring about something good in the end, I knew this in my heart. But as a grieving mom I just couldn't see if, when, or ever that could happen. I heard so many times from people "what Satan intended for evil, God intended for good". "Something really awesome will come from this".  All I could focus on was how devastated I and my family were. It was clear from the very beginning that Sam was having such a hard time with the loss of his baby brother. He would often cry and tell me he missed his brother. He would ask the typical questions like "why did he die?" "why did God need him in heaven?"  He drew pictures that included Andrew in our family. He once told Sarah that she couldn't sit in a car seat in our garage because "that's Andrew's for when we go to heaven to get him". We finally decided to seek a grief counselor for him. He just wasn't getting past Andrew's death.

I actually found some books on Amazon that I had meant to purchase not long after Andrew died, but forgot about them. Well they showed up on my Amazon page again. So I quickly purchased them before I forgot yet again! This week after Sam was finally feeling better, but still needed some snuggle time, I pulled them out and read them to Sam. They are books that help children understand pregnancy loss.  (We were gonna have a baby, but we had and angel instead) and (Something Happened)
The books are amazing and really mirrored so much of what our family has been thru the last year and a half. The part that was hardest was when we discussed the boy in the story who thought for some reason it was his fault the baby died. I first explained like the book that it's no ones fault. And that only God knows why babies die before they're born. I asked Sam if he knew it wasn't his fault that Andrew died. He shook his head no. I asked him next, "did you think it was your fault"? He shook his head yes. My heart broke at that point because for over a year and a half he'd been carrying this on his heart that for some reason he caused his baby brother to die. I quickly hugged him and explained again, that it wasn't his fault and only God knows why this happens. This led into wonderful snuggle time with Daddy and me, bible reading, and an invitation. 

We talked about prayer after reading about Daniel in the lions den. We discussed how prayer can change everything and that he could pray and ask God for healing even in his heart. We asked him if he felt like his heart had healed a little bit tonight. He of course shook his head and said yes. When asked which part, his response was "the left part"! What he was getting at was that he felt better that it wasn't his fault that Andrew died. We explained that he could have God to call on anytime he wanted. All he had to do was invite Jesus to come live in his heart. It was amazing! He was so receptive! He said he wanted Jesus to live in his heart and then let us pray with him! I was crying. Ken was crying. And the look of peace on Sam's face was so sweet I couldn't take my eyes off him! Having a chance to lead my own child to Christ is such a blessing. I totally didn't see our conversation going that direction. And I have to be honest and say it was all in God's timing.

The next day while spending my weekly hour on "the couch" I had a light bulb moment. I explained to my therapist the events of the night before. I never would've thought that the death of one of my children would lead to salvation for one of my other children. And then she said, how cool is it to think that a child who never took a breath on this earth, could have an eternal impact on another person!

So here we are a little over a year and a half past Andrew's death, and I can finally see that what Satan intended for evil, God intended for good.  I actually see it, and welcome it!

One of those days

My therapist refers to them as "bad Andrew days". And I've gotten used to thinking of them that way.
It seems like a lot of this week has been one long "bad Andrew day". As much as life has begun to feel normal again, I still struggle to come to terms with this part of my life story that God has written for me. And now I not only still mourn his death, but I also am mourning what could possibly be the end of our fertile phase of life.
I always assumed I would be able to get pregnant and have children whenever we chose. I've since learned that's not the case. We've battled intermittent infertility over the years, and when I found out I was pregnant with Sarah and then Andrew I honestly thought God had truly healed my body and we'd never have to go thru it again. Little did I know the battle had really just begun. A year and half later, and we've had nothing but bad luck and lots of frustration.
Maybe it's time to move on? Maybe more babies aren't part of Gods plan for my life? I sure wish I knew the answer. For months I've asked Him to take a desire from me that's not in his will. I hear all these stories from other women who knew without a doubt that they absolutely did not want anymore children after a certain number. I don't have that feeling. I keep thinking  that I must be the odd one. Ken and I both grew up in a large family. And to us that's just the natural thing to do, but how do you know what to do when what feels natural to you doesn't work the way you expect it? I don't doubt God. I'm not even mad at Him anymore. I'm not even bitter. I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that possibly my plans aren't really His plans. I'm also coming to terms with the fact that no matter how much I ask Him to take this desire away from me, He may very well not.  I know this, God has a better plan. Even if right now it's very painful. 

Half Way There

I've been contemplating a blog about homeschooling for some time now. In the beginning I just wanted to write about all the wonderful things I am finding that go along with homeschooling. I will eventually get to that.
Today has been so relaxed. Most of us are bathed and dressed. And the ones who aren't have declared that they won't be dressing anytime today. Honestly that's probably one of their favorite parts of homeschool.
I am happy to report though that we have made it to the halfway point in our official school year!
This is exciting news because my last attempt only lasted six weeks, I sent Ella back to a regular Kindergarten class, and I went back to work. (In their school of course!)
My goal was to make it past the first six weeks. Then Thanksgiving and Christmas were my next hurdle.
We made it,with far less tears than I expected. (Most of them mine)

I really am so grateful to have a chance to reconnect with my kids, and give them an opportunity to keep their childhood as long as possible! Granted some days are better than others. Some days a kid or I end up sick and not much, if anything gets done. And some days are amazing! Like yesterday for example. We have a busy day on Wednesdays, gymnastics, diving, a trip to the gym for me, and some weeks girl scouts. Sam had his work with him, and for the first time EVER he took over reading and writing on his own! I love getting to see him grow academically! I love to see all of them growing.

It's days like this that I am so happy to see that my obedience to God has big rewards! And now we only have the second half of the school year to get thru!

Life is crazy some days, but these kids are totally worth it!

In Search Of...

If my current life was to be summed up in a newspaper want ad, I'd maybe write it like this...
Really cool mom; Yes REALLY cool, desperately seeking three very important things in life. Joy, peace, and contentment. Clearly these things cannot be found when searching the want ads. But it makes for a great conversation starter. And by conversation, I mean that weekly hour on the "couch".

After praying so long for my version of healing, I've finally come to realize that the way I've expected God to heal my heart, may not be the way He has planned. But before I get into that any further, let's rewind to a year and a half ago for the newest readers. June 1st, 2011. It was the day I knew I would probably get my ultrasound orders at my monthly checkup. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. Long story short. The ultrasound wasn't a joyful moment. It was the moment my heart broke into a million pieces. My baby didn't have a heartbeat.  The events of the next two days have finally begun to blur, but the heartache and memories are still there.

All this time I had told myself and God that I would be able to really have a complete healing when I was able to have another baby. Now that I've typed that last sentence, it almost seems ridiculous. I was once asked, "what if there isn't another baby?" Well then I guess it will be time that heals this wound. And time, it's moving at a snails pace most days. So for the last year and a half we tried to get pregnant again. With success, but ending up in another loss. My life had gone from blissful, to depressing. My days were spent at the gym, to try and release some of the frustration and anger that had come into my life. Therapist, which I only agreed to under doctors orders. And now also another Dr. since I now have a lovely thyroid issue to contend with. 

Last week I went into the therapist office, and very adamantly told her we needed to make a plan. No more trying for a baby! No more tears of frustration! No more disappointment in this area of my life! I need to find Joy and contentment in my life again. And maybe I need to add peace to that too, because I haven't felt that in so very long. If not for me, then at least for my kids.

Today we woke up late, couldn't get into a routine for school, and so I decided  it was a late day, and the weather is still warmish. I should try my luck at pictures in the park with all four kids! That, my friends is called bravery! I'd had their outfits picked out for weeks, but just couldn't get my schedule to match the photographers. So Super Mom decided to turn Amature Photographer!

It went surprisingly well! Pictures were great! They turned out so beautiful! I just can't believe my luck! The best part was that we were practically the only ones there! No crazy distractions, and no tears! After we were all done, I proclaimed it was time to go play on the playground! I was just enjoying the moment. Helping the six year old learn to swing. Trying to scare the two year old a little as she came down the slide. And not once did I hear fighting from the older two! They were all playing and having fun. Even the 12 year old! It was at that moment when I suddenly felt like the world was right again. It was the most beautiful, birds chirping, sun is a little brighter, life is good, the world is at peace moment I'd felt in a very long time. It was great!
About thirty minutes later I realized this was the first time we'd done pictures and hadn't included Andrew in some way. It didn't even cross my mind! And for a quick second, my heart screamed "Go do it all over again! You forgot Andrew!" How could I forget my other child? Clearly we didn't redo the pictures. That would've been torture for all of us! I had a momentary stab in the heart, but mostly I hung on to those moments of joy, peace, and contentment I'd had a little bit ago. It was the first real sign of healing I'd had. And I planned to hang onto it until the next one comes along. So maybe I can't find these things in a want ad, but maybe I can find ways to make them happen.

A Day To Remember

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Actually the whole month is, but all moms know that every day is rememberance day.
Every day I think of the babies I've lost. Especially Andrew since he would've been one this month. Every day I am reminded of the little boy I delivered and didn't get to bring home. Every day I think about what he would be doing now. I'm sure he'd be very close to walking. I'm sure he'd be drooling lots since he'd be teething. I'm positive he'd be spoiled by his older siblings. I  know that his sister Sarah would give me a run for my money since they would've only been 18 months apart! I also know he'd be a great source of joy to our family!
Every day I am reminded that there is an ache in my heart, where there should be joy. When I go out in public and see other little baby boys, when I see other expectant moms, when I have no choice but to see the baby section in a store, when I get baby mail, (You know the junk that tells you how old your child should be? As if I needed the reminder!)
I have to be honest and say that I had no idea there was such a day, or even a month until Andrew died. Losing him made my eyes open wide to just how frequent such a heart breaking event occurs in a womans life. It has made me more aware and more sensitive to other moms and just how deep that hurt is. While I always thought the typical responses, I never dared say them to another woman, and still won't. It's not only cliche, but it's also not always true. Here is a list of things that I've heard, and thought, but do not reccomend be repeated.

1. "It's God's way of taking care of things." Well yes God gives and takes away. True. It doesn't help matters. I've found that it only made me question God, and feel angry towards Him. I'm not claiming to be a perfect Christian, but even I have had doubts during my emotional roller coaster.

2. "You can try again." Sure you can. Month after emotionally exhausting month. Some women are actually lucky enough to conceive again right away and have a perfectly healthy full term baby. Others are not so lucky. It took us 6 months to get pregnant after losing Andrew. Then we miscarried right away. And now it's been nearly another year. I'm sure there are women out there who were never able to conceive again.

3. "Well just be happy for the kids you do have." This one sticks in my craw most of all. Who said we aren't grateful for the kids we have? For that matter, it's almost like saying the baby that was just lost really isn't a baby at all.  We love that baby the moment we see the test turn positive. That baby is also one of our kids. Oh and by the way, if the older kids were expecting a baby sibling too, they are also hurting, and confused.

4. "Try to stay positive and move on." Another sticky, irritating one. While every mom has a different grief process, she needs time. Time to cry, process, talk about the baby and the events surrounding the loss, and lean on a shoulder of a very caring friend. Even if you don't know what to say, ask questions. Let her know you care.

5. "At least it was early on." Well that just made it so much better! Not! Seriously, like I said before we love that baby the moment we find out the test is positive. Unfortunatly the earlier it happens doesn't always make it easier. It just means we don't always have anything tangible to keep to remember that baby by. Even an ultrasound picture would be better than nothing. Since Andrews death I've found I am always searching for something that would remind me of him. A necklace with his name, an ornament for the christmas tree, a figurine, and recently a garden stone for the garden we are creating, (Andrew's garden) are just a few of the ways we have made sure to include him as a part of our family. After all he will always be a part of our family. He is our child.

While we are quite aware that October is breast cancer awareness month, (you know the things moms use to feed their babies?) Remember it's also a month to honor the angel babies in heaven, and the mom's that God has asked to walk the painful journey of pregnancy and infant loss.