The longer I am home for the summer with the kids, the more inspired I am to write about them. The more I am amazed and in awe of them. I love to tell them that they make my heart smile!
I used to struggle to find joy in being a stay at home mom. But the more time I spend with them this summer, the stronger my desire is to be home full time again. I was at home off and on when Matt and Ella were little. Until I found a job at the YMCA that allowed me to take them with me. Seemed like a great plan because they could still be close by and I didn't have to pay a babysitter. But I still struggled to find joy in that. I would get annoyed when they would get sick and I couldn't go work out or go to work. (Same place by the way.) Don't get me wrong, I loved them to pieces, but I didn't have any joy in being a mom to two children who were only 20 months apart. I actually once had someone say to me, "Why do you want more kids? You don't even like the two you have." Those words really cut quite deep. I liked them! I loved them! I would lay down my own life for them! As a young mom, (early 20's) I was trying to find myself and raise a family. Growing up I didn't have a great role model to know what makes a "joyful" mom. I would often look at those moms who could explain everything to their child in the most eloquent, age appropriate, excited fashion, and think. "Either she's is raving mad or I don't get it."
Fast forward a little...Four years between Ella and Sam. We had to wait so long for Sam, that I had actually nearly given up on having anymore kids. His name is so appropriate because it means "asked of God". I specifically remember praying and asking for him. I also remember submitting to the possibility that there might not be anymore children. During this time I was waiting for lab results to try and find out why I wasn't getting pregnant. The only results I got were a positive pregnancy test that the Dr had thrown in just for kicks. Talk about a bittersweet moment. So I quit working again and not quite 9 months later I was holding this sweet little boy, whom I absolutely adored. It was like being a first time mom all over. I felt a joy that I hadn't had in so long. I actually had joy! This little (and I mean little since he was our smallest one so far) guy made me ooh and ahh as a mom all over again! Unfortunately by the time he was 2, I was chomping at the bit to go back to work. Fueled by a feeling of inadequacy as an adult who should be working to contribute to our home.
Again we are ready to add to our family. I returned to work, at my kids school. I was there, and so were they. Sam was in a small home daycare. All was good. All except, I really wanted another baby. And again we went thru so much to get pregnant. If you have read any of my other posts, you would know that it was another uphill battle. And another four years between babies. When Sarah was born all decency went out the window. I had become like all those other moms. I now play and enjoy my children like all those other crazy moms. I carry on strange conversations with them. You know, the ones that only a mother and child understand. I cheer them on when one of them gets hurt, as if it were a right of passage. I don't gasp at the dangerous things they attempt. I just pray as I watch! And everything they do gives me joy. Even when the older two fight, I'm rarely phased. It has occurred to me that all along my heart was to be at home with them. I was trying to find my self worth in what other people wanted out of me. I love my job, but my kids are my first love. My kids are my self worth. And being a mom brings me absolute overwhelming joy.
