I started this blog in February thinking I would have so much to say...
I'm trying to find inspiration and yet I feel like I'm barely wandering around here.
For several months last spring we thought our family was moving to Texas. We really felt in our heart that God was calling us there for some crazy reason! You know He has a great sense of humor! But like I've said before, we are determined to live our lives allowing Him to be in complete control. Its funny because Texas is the last place I would want to go. It's hot there! And I can't run when it's hot! But today I was reminded that it's also a desert place of sorts. I was also reminded of how God allows us to go through the deserts of life. Maybe He was preparing our hearts for the driest desert we've ever known?
I'm reminded of when Jesus was in the wilderness and angels ministered to him. And when the Jews were in the desert for forty years, yet God was with them. The last few months we have had so many people ministering to us. Holding us up when we couldn't stand on our own. Praying for us and just loving us. I am so grateful for all of those wonderful people. The last couple weeks have been the driest moments of my spiritual journey yet. I had begun to think that no amount of medication or therapy was going to help. I had felt myself falling, again, and fast! And honestly I was mad! I never knew it was possible to actually be mad at God! I really thought it was such a level of disrespect to be mad. I've grown up my whole life in church. I know what His word says. But in my anger I wanted to tell Him I thought His word was a load of crap! I wanted to know how could he give me this testimony with our struggles to conceive and then be blessed with Sarah, and then get pregnant so quickly with Andrew, but then take him away from us? I felt like my testimony had been tainted. Not as powerful as it once was. Because now there was more hurt. Not only did this hurt Ken and I, it hurt our children!
Now I realize just how my own children feel when they are angry with me. When they don't get what they want and I am the one to comfort them. Or when they lose something dear to their hearts and I have to figure out a way to reach them in a way they will understand. It's been an eye opening experience to see myself as the child as well. It is a very long, dry journey. But I'm sure that when I get to the other side of this desert, there will be a wonderful oasis to rest in. And thankfully, God will still love me no matter what!
