I've been thinking the last few days of this next chapter in our life. No longer will I be walking the halls at school or hanging out with my favorite five year olds. It makes me a little sad, but I know that I will get to go hang out with them periodically. This morning I got to go see them, and spend some time visiting and reading to them. Then they very sweetly demanded I walk them to lunch! They definitely make me smile!
This next chapter means I will be full time momma and wife again. I know this chapter well. I've done it before. I have forgotten what it's like to be home all day with a toddler and feel as though nothing has been accomplished! Little by little I will get the hang of things again. When I told the kids I wasn't returning to work, they were all very excited. Why? I don't know. They are at school all day! I guess it's just important to them that I am available at all times now.
Since I've been home, everyone seems to be calmer. I feel like pieces of me are beginning to come back. YAY! I see more of the old Ginny a little every day! Even my prayer life is coming back. I am finally able to read my bible and not feel like its a blur. My brain is starting to reorganize as well. I can actually stay on task and remember all that needs to be done. And mostly I don't feel so overwhelmed by life or grief. The kids are not so stressed out either. Sam no longer begs me to stay with him at school. In fact he gets right into his work. He was the one child I was most worried about after Andrew died. I had really thought it might benefit him to go to counseling. The other night I had to take Matt to the hospital to xray his finger for a possible fracture. It was a little crazy, but we all kept it together well. This lady came walking by and was asking questions about our family, Wow they are so well mannered. 2boys, 2 girls. Are you going to have anymore? The typical questions I get whenever we are out... The kids all made me proud. Their answers were as follows... (Oh yes hopefully! Ya, we might be the next Duggars! We want a new baby soon!) They are amazing kids! It was also the first time Sam didn't mention his baby brother in heaven to a perfect stranger. I guess time does heal all wounds.
It was very hard to make the decision to stay at home again. Not that I had much choice. There was a part of me though that worried I would regret quitting my job. After all, I LOVE IT! But God has been stirring in me this desire to be home again since before I became pregnant with Andrew. I know that His plans for my life include a strong desire to minister to other women, and mostly moms. Now I can see that even losing Andrew will be a ministry opportunity. Suddenly I find myself wanting to reach out to other moms who have recently been through the same ordeal as myself. My heart goes out to them with such an understanding that most women wouldn't know unless they had been through this as well. I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life. And when I start to think I want to go back to work, I'll remind myself that God called me back home for a reason!
