I've been "officially" a stay at home mom now for six months. I say that a little loosely because I have had many subbing days at the kids' school, and more recently a long term position at one of the public schools doing my old job. It was a six week position, however it only lasted two weeks. I thought that it would be a great chance to prove to myself that I was back to "normal". My old self. The Ginny who can do anything!!!
I have this part of me that thinks I have to prove to everyone that I'm
not just normal, I'm better at doing the normal mom/wife stuff. Because after
all a mom who has 4 kids and can work full time, keep house, etc must
be amazing! Right? I've heard many people say over the last several
years that they are amazed at how I can do it. I often take the
compliment and keep on doing what I do. They don't see the parts of me that struggle with the pain of fertility issues, and miscarriage. Or how much we miss Ken during the week because he has to work so much. Or even how inadequate I often feel as a mom. In the last year my life has been anything but normal. I spent months trying to keep a pregnancy going that was determined to fail. And when Andrew died my whole sense of normal went into a tail spin.
The thing I've come to realize is that I'm not normal. I'm not the old Ginny who can raise a houseful of kids, work full time, meet my husbands needs, and keep an almost perfectly clean house. All the while repeating to myself "I am woman hear me roar". "I can do it all". "I can work full time and be a perfect wife, and mother". I often went home exhausted and after a day of giving my students all my patience, energy, and the best of any other part of me, I found that my own kids were getting my leftovers. That often meant cereal or take out for dinner. And a crabby, impatient, tired Momma. Oh and my house was never clean! The more I clean, the more a child comes behind me and leaves a new mess! The minute laundry is caught up, I find a new load waiting. And we won't even discuss the dishes!
So this is my new normal... Instead of welcoming a new baby to the family, I have to work harder to
make sure my kids are doing okay. Instead of working, I go to therapy. I spend most of my days trying to figure out how to do some of my old "stay at home mom" routines that I forgot a long time ago. Instead of going about my day like life is wonderful, I question God about everything that has gone on, and is going on in my life. And I tell Him all day that no matter what I will still trust Him that he is taking me thru something important. I'm learning how to be the new Ginny, because I'm not sure when and if I will ever be the old normal Ginny.
