If my current life was to be summed up in a newspaper want ad, I'd maybe write it like this...
Really cool mom; Yes REALLY cool, desperately seeking three very important things in life. Joy, peace, and contentment. Clearly these things cannot be found when searching the want ads. But it makes for a great conversation starter. And by conversation, I mean that weekly hour on the "couch".
After praying so long for my version of healing, I've finally come to realize that the way I've expected God to heal my heart, may not be the way He has planned. But before I get into that any further, let's rewind to a year and a half ago for the newest readers. June 1st, 2011. It was the day I knew I would probably get my ultrasound orders at my monthly checkup. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. Long story short. The ultrasound wasn't a joyful moment. It was the moment my heart broke into a million pieces. My baby didn't have a heartbeat. The events of the next two days have finally begun to blur, but the heartache and memories are still there.
All this time I had told myself and God that I would be able to really have a complete healing when I was able to have another baby. Now that I've typed that last sentence, it almost seems ridiculous. I was once asked, "what if there isn't another baby?" Well then I guess it will be time that heals this wound. And time, it's moving at a snails pace most days. So for the last year and a half we tried to get pregnant again. With success, but ending up in another loss. My life had gone from blissful, to depressing. My days were spent at the gym, to try and release some of the frustration and anger that had come into my life. Therapist, which I only agreed to under doctors orders. And now also another Dr. since I now have a lovely thyroid issue to contend with.
Last week I went into the therapist office, and very adamantly told her we needed to make a plan. No more trying for a baby! No more tears of frustration! No more disappointment in this area of my life! I need to find Joy and contentment in my life again. And maybe I need to add peace to that too, because I haven't felt that in so very long. If not for me, then at least for my kids.
Today we woke up late, couldn't get into a routine for school, and so I decided it was a late day, and the weather is still warmish. I should try my luck at pictures in the park with all four kids! That, my friends is called bravery! I'd had their outfits picked out for weeks, but just couldn't get my schedule to match the photographers. So Super Mom decided to turn Amature Photographer!
It went surprisingly well! Pictures were great! They turned out so beautiful! I just can't believe my luck! The best part was that we were practically the only ones there! No crazy distractions, and no tears! After we were all done, I proclaimed it was time to go play on the playground! I was just enjoying the moment. Helping the six year old learn to swing. Trying to scare the two year old a little as she came down the slide. And not once did I hear fighting from the older two! They were all playing and having fun. Even the 12 year old! It was at that moment when I suddenly felt like the world was right again. It was the most beautiful, birds chirping, sun is a little brighter, life is good, the world is at peace moment I'd felt in a very long time. It was great!
About thirty minutes later I realized this was the first time we'd done pictures and hadn't included Andrew in some way. It didn't even cross my mind! And for a quick second, my heart screamed "Go do it all over again! You forgot Andrew!" How could I forget my other child? Clearly we didn't redo the pictures. That would've been torture for all of us! I had a momentary stab in the heart, but mostly I hung on to those moments of joy, peace, and contentment I'd had a little bit ago. It was the first real sign of healing I'd had. And I planned to hang onto it until the next one comes along. So maybe I can't find these things in a want ad, but maybe I can find ways to make them happen.
