Mom of the year

Last Wednesday was an unexpected bad Andrew day. Two days before I put on my big girl undies and put the last bag of baby toys out in the garage. Sarah hadn't played with them in over a year! The next day I held my friends baby girl and rocked her to sleep. Holding babies doesn't bother me anymore, so now I actually enjoy it! Well I woke up Wednesday morning and realized I was an emotional wreck. I felt like I'd gone backwards by months. After all the emotional progress I've made it often frustrates me when I have these days. I know its normal, and these days will come, but its still hard. Some days I have faith that we'll have more children, and other days I tell myself that I will be so very happy if I never have to wipe a dirty bottom again! Wednesday was a day I felt the latter.

All day I was grumpy, emotional, out of sorts, and annoyed by all four kids and their sinful natures. I was beginning to feel like I was failing in my role as a mom and teacher. Not one of them wanted to cooperate with any of my requests. I heard "no" so many times that my head hurt and I was getting angry. For a brief moment I started daydreaming about sending them back to school. Who in their right mind would want any more children when these four were being so difficult?!

We headed to gymnastics and I was desperate for a few minutes of peace and quiet. I sent all the kids in while I sat in the van to make a phone call to my Momma Judy. My step aunt answered the phone since Judy was driving. I never really knew Aunt Betty as I was growing up but since I joined Facebook I have re-connected with her. What she said to me was much needed medicine for the day. She wanted me to know that she watches what I put on Facebook and she just wanted me to know that she thinks I'm "AMAZING!" I don't really remember much of what else she said, but I do know it had to do with my parenting. This was truly God using her because since losing Andrew I have heard that exact word over and over again.

I've spent my entire life trying to prove to the world that I am nothing like my mother was. I wanted to prove to the whole world that I am not Audrey, but my own person. I also wanted to be a better mom than she was able to be. I wanted to get it right the first time. And I didn't want to be judged harshly for making mistakes. Wednesday I felt like I was failing and God reminded me that I was doing okay after all.

Later in the day Ella came to me and gave me an early Mother's Day gift. It was a little bear that had writing on it "mom of the year". After all my mixed emotions that day it was another gift from God reminding me all my hard work is not going unnoticed.

I've been telling my therapist for nearly a year that there must be something wrong with me to want a large family. I was secretly worried she'd be brutally honest and tell me I had some major mental defect and surely I was a lost cause. Well thankfully she's not that brutal! Maybe I'm working towards mom of the year? Maybe I really am amazing?