Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Actually the whole month is, but all moms know that every day is rememberance day.
Every day I think of the babies I've lost. Especially Andrew since he would've been one this month. Every day I am reminded of the little boy I delivered and didn't get to bring home. Every day I think about what he would be doing now. I'm sure he'd be very close to walking. I'm sure he'd be drooling lots since he'd be teething. I'm positive he'd be spoiled by his older siblings. I know that his sister Sarah would give me a run for my money since they would've only been 18 months apart! I also know he'd be a great source of joy to our family!
Every day I am reminded that there is an ache in my heart, where there should be joy. When I go out in public and see other little baby boys, when I see other expectant moms, when I have no choice but to see the baby section in a store, when I get baby mail, (You know the junk that tells you how old your child should be? As if I needed the reminder!)
I have to be honest and say that I had no idea there was such a day, or even a month until Andrew died. Losing him made my eyes open wide to just how frequent such a heart breaking event occurs in a womans life. It has made me more aware and more sensitive to other moms and just how deep that hurt is. While I always thought the typical responses, I never dared say them to another woman, and still won't. It's not only cliche, but it's also not always true. Here is a list of things that I've heard, and thought, but do not reccomend be repeated.
1. "It's God's way of taking care of things." Well yes God gives and takes away. True. It doesn't help matters. I've found that it only made me question God, and feel angry towards Him. I'm not claiming to be a perfect Christian, but even I have had doubts during my emotional roller coaster.
2. "You can try again." Sure you can. Month after emotionally exhausting month. Some women are actually lucky enough to conceive again right away and have a perfectly healthy full term baby. Others are not so lucky. It took us 6 months to get pregnant after losing Andrew. Then we miscarried right away. And now it's been nearly another year. I'm sure there are women out there who were never able to conceive again.
3. "Well just be happy for the kids you do have." This one sticks in my craw most of all. Who said we aren't grateful for the kids we have? For that matter, it's almost like saying the baby that was just lost really isn't a baby at all. We love that baby the moment we see the test turn positive. That baby is also one of our kids. Oh and by the way, if the older kids were expecting a baby sibling too, they are also hurting, and confused.
4. "Try to stay positive and move on." Another sticky, irritating one. While every mom has a different grief process, she needs time. Time to cry, process, talk about the baby and the events surrounding the loss, and lean on a shoulder of a very caring friend. Even if you don't know what to say, ask questions. Let her know you care.
5. "At least it was early on." Well that just made it so much better! Not! Seriously, like I said before we love that baby the moment we find out the test is positive. Unfortunatly the earlier it happens doesn't always make it easier. It just means we don't always have anything tangible to keep to remember that baby by. Even an ultrasound picture would be better than nothing. Since Andrews death I've found I am always searching for something that would remind me of him. A necklace with his name, an ornament for the christmas tree, a figurine, and recently a garden stone for the garden we are creating, (Andrew's garden) are just a few of the ways we have made sure to include him as a part of our family. After all he will always be a part of our family. He is our child.
While we are quite aware that October is breast cancer awareness month, (you know the things moms use to feed their babies?) Remember it's also a month to honor the angel babies in heaven, and the mom's that God has asked to walk the painful journey of pregnancy and infant loss.
HI, I know this is an old post for you but I wanted to thank you for posting it. I came to your site because of your link through hopeful moms meet grateful moms. I have not read all of your story and have only a glimpse of what has happened for your family. I have had four miscarriages my self. the "comments" people make that you wrote about are so true. People just don't get it unless then have lived it. I'm praying for you and your family and for the peace and comfort we both so desperately need.
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