Tears of Joy

Several weeks ago, before winter was "officially" over we finally had a big snowfall. It was the kind of snowstorm that parents dread and school age kids pray for. Parents dread looking for last minute childcare, and even driving in it. Kids are just excited to have the day off from school and play in the snow! When you're a home school family these things don't even phase you. You either continue with your regular routine, or declare a snow day. We chose snow day. Daddy was home from work that day too, as he didn't want to chance the nearly hour long drive in bad weather. My new motto has been to have a great time and enjoy these kids while I can!

The Lord had been speaking to my heart a lot lately about finding true joy. Not the kind you have when you find a sale, or eat a really great piece of chocolate. But the kind of joy that comes from deep within. Joy unspeakable. The kind of Joy that says "it doesn't matter what's going on in life we are going to enjoy life to the fullest". Joy is also a  fruit of the spirit (Gal 5:22). It seemed that every area of my life I was hearing about joy. T.V., radio, church sermon, and even in my bible study. God surely had something to say to me in this area of my life.

It's been nearly two years since we lost Andrew, and while there are still days that we talk about the what ifs, and wish he was here with us, life has really gotten back to normal. Something I didn't ever think was going to happen again. Not long after he died; we as a family all wanted something special to remember him by. So we all got a piece of jewelry. This is mine.

The day of the big snow I noticed I had a rather difficult knot in my chain. I wanted to get it fixed right away but needed Ken to do it for me. And since he was outside plowing the driveway I reluctantly removed the necklace. I never, and I mean never take it off unless I really have to, and only for a short time. You could almost say I'm obsessed with keeping it on. (I just realized that might be another subject for therapy!) I forced myself to go sledding with the family WITHOUT my necklace. After all I was determined this was going to be a great spontaneous snow day.

I have not owned any snow gear my entire adult life. But now that my older two are bigger than me, I have their hand me down snow gear! This is also the first winter in a long time that I could go sledding without either being pregnant, trying to get pregnant, worried I might be pregnant, or had a little one too small to take sledding. We all got bundled up and headed outdoors. Sarah is IN LOVE with snow. So there is never a problem convincing her to go out. She's out in the snow before I even get a minute to get ready. Sam had never been sledding before and was very excited to try it out. We played in the yard first and Sarah built her first snowman. Then after gathering all the sleds we headed to a local school that had a few hilly areas. I was expecting other kids to be there, but it turned out we were by ourselves. That is my idea of fun, because I still don't like crowds of people.

We trudged through the snow, passed the playground, and began making our mark in the snow so to speak. I was very excited to see how much the kids would enjoy sledding. I still had it in the back of my mind that my necklace was at home. I felt as if I had left one of our children at home. Strange? Maybe. But for a mom who has lost a child, even a necklace is like having a part of that child with you.

Then it happened. After several trial runs down the hill, Ken took Sam down the hill first. Sam was so thrilled! He laughed all the way down. And at the bottom he loudly proclaimed "that was awesome" I'm crying tears of joy!" Oh my goodness we laughed so hard! He was right though! A trip down a snow covered hill is little in some peoples eyes. But for a recovering family, it's huge! It really is the little things in life that matter. At that moment I realized this was the kind of joy God was speaking to me about. I can go on and live my life without Andrew, have joy, enjoy my family, and even leave the house without my little piece of him. And it really is okay to move on.

Tears of joy!

We all had a great time, even me!  Everyone took turns going down the hill. Sarah eventually got tired of the hill and decided the playground was more enticing. And afterwards we left soaking wet and headed to McDonald's for hot chocolate. It was a great end to a snowy day.

...God intended for good

We have been a houseful of sick people the last two weeks. The stomach flu hit quite hard. And by hard, I can only describe it in one way...Pizza vomit. I have spent a lot of these last two weeks feeling like I was in that episode of the Brady Bunch where all the kids get sick at the same time, and Carol and Alice are literally run ragged by all the needs  and sometimes demands of sick kids. I always thought that episode was funny...not so much anymore!

But on the bright side of it, we have been forced to stay home more than usual. We have had lots of movie, snuggle time. And even some great heart to heart talks. Which really have been all part of God's amazing time frame!

When people told me that Andrew's death would bring about something good in the end, I knew this in my heart. But as a grieving mom I just couldn't see if, when, or ever that could happen. I heard so many times from people "what Satan intended for evil, God intended for good". "Something really awesome will come from this".  All I could focus on was how devastated I and my family were. It was clear from the very beginning that Sam was having such a hard time with the loss of his baby brother. He would often cry and tell me he missed his brother. He would ask the typical questions like "why did he die?" "why did God need him in heaven?"  He drew pictures that included Andrew in our family. He once told Sarah that she couldn't sit in a car seat in our garage because "that's Andrew's for when we go to heaven to get him". We finally decided to seek a grief counselor for him. He just wasn't getting past Andrew's death.

I actually found some books on Amazon that I had meant to purchase not long after Andrew died, but forgot about them. Well they showed up on my Amazon page again. So I quickly purchased them before I forgot yet again! This week after Sam was finally feeling better, but still needed some snuggle time, I pulled them out and read them to Sam. They are books that help children understand pregnancy loss.  (We were gonna have a baby, but we had and angel instead) and (Something Happened)
The books are amazing and really mirrored so much of what our family has been thru the last year and a half. The part that was hardest was when we discussed the boy in the story who thought for some reason it was his fault the baby died. I first explained like the book that it's no ones fault. And that only God knows why babies die before they're born. I asked Sam if he knew it wasn't his fault that Andrew died. He shook his head no. I asked him next, "did you think it was your fault"? He shook his head yes. My heart broke at that point because for over a year and a half he'd been carrying this on his heart that for some reason he caused his baby brother to die. I quickly hugged him and explained again, that it wasn't his fault and only God knows why this happens. This led into wonderful snuggle time with Daddy and me, bible reading, and an invitation. 

We talked about prayer after reading about Daniel in the lions den. We discussed how prayer can change everything and that he could pray and ask God for healing even in his heart. We asked him if he felt like his heart had healed a little bit tonight. He of course shook his head and said yes. When asked which part, his response was "the left part"! What he was getting at was that he felt better that it wasn't his fault that Andrew died. We explained that he could have God to call on anytime he wanted. All he had to do was invite Jesus to come live in his heart. It was amazing! He was so receptive! He said he wanted Jesus to live in his heart and then let us pray with him! I was crying. Ken was crying. And the look of peace on Sam's face was so sweet I couldn't take my eyes off him! Having a chance to lead my own child to Christ is such a blessing. I totally didn't see our conversation going that direction. And I have to be honest and say it was all in God's timing.

The next day while spending my weekly hour on "the couch" I had a light bulb moment. I explained to my therapist the events of the night before. I never would've thought that the death of one of my children would lead to salvation for one of my other children. And then she said, how cool is it to think that a child who never took a breath on this earth, could have an eternal impact on another person!

So here we are a little over a year and a half past Andrew's death, and I can finally see that what Satan intended for evil, God intended for good.  I actually see it, and welcome it!