...God intended for good

We have been a houseful of sick people the last two weeks. The stomach flu hit quite hard. And by hard, I can only describe it in one way...Pizza vomit. I have spent a lot of these last two weeks feeling like I was in that episode of the Brady Bunch where all the kids get sick at the same time, and Carol and Alice are literally run ragged by all the needs  and sometimes demands of sick kids. I always thought that episode was funny...not so much anymore!

But on the bright side of it, we have been forced to stay home more than usual. We have had lots of movie, snuggle time. And even some great heart to heart talks. Which really have been all part of God's amazing time frame!

When people told me that Andrew's death would bring about something good in the end, I knew this in my heart. But as a grieving mom I just couldn't see if, when, or ever that could happen. I heard so many times from people "what Satan intended for evil, God intended for good". "Something really awesome will come from this".  All I could focus on was how devastated I and my family were. It was clear from the very beginning that Sam was having such a hard time with the loss of his baby brother. He would often cry and tell me he missed his brother. He would ask the typical questions like "why did he die?" "why did God need him in heaven?"  He drew pictures that included Andrew in our family. He once told Sarah that she couldn't sit in a car seat in our garage because "that's Andrew's for when we go to heaven to get him". We finally decided to seek a grief counselor for him. He just wasn't getting past Andrew's death.

I actually found some books on Amazon that I had meant to purchase not long after Andrew died, but forgot about them. Well they showed up on my Amazon page again. So I quickly purchased them before I forgot yet again! This week after Sam was finally feeling better, but still needed some snuggle time, I pulled them out and read them to Sam. They are books that help children understand pregnancy loss.  (We were gonna have a baby, but we had and angel instead) and (Something Happened)
The books are amazing and really mirrored so much of what our family has been thru the last year and a half. The part that was hardest was when we discussed the boy in the story who thought for some reason it was his fault the baby died. I first explained like the book that it's no ones fault. And that only God knows why babies die before they're born. I asked Sam if he knew it wasn't his fault that Andrew died. He shook his head no. I asked him next, "did you think it was your fault"? He shook his head yes. My heart broke at that point because for over a year and a half he'd been carrying this on his heart that for some reason he caused his baby brother to die. I quickly hugged him and explained again, that it wasn't his fault and only God knows why this happens. This led into wonderful snuggle time with Daddy and me, bible reading, and an invitation. 

We talked about prayer after reading about Daniel in the lions den. We discussed how prayer can change everything and that he could pray and ask God for healing even in his heart. We asked him if he felt like his heart had healed a little bit tonight. He of course shook his head and said yes. When asked which part, his response was "the left part"! What he was getting at was that he felt better that it wasn't his fault that Andrew died. We explained that he could have God to call on anytime he wanted. All he had to do was invite Jesus to come live in his heart. It was amazing! He was so receptive! He said he wanted Jesus to live in his heart and then let us pray with him! I was crying. Ken was crying. And the look of peace on Sam's face was so sweet I couldn't take my eyes off him! Having a chance to lead my own child to Christ is such a blessing. I totally didn't see our conversation going that direction. And I have to be honest and say it was all in God's timing.

The next day while spending my weekly hour on "the couch" I had a light bulb moment. I explained to my therapist the events of the night before. I never would've thought that the death of one of my children would lead to salvation for one of my other children. And then she said, how cool is it to think that a child who never took a breath on this earth, could have an eternal impact on another person!

So here we are a little over a year and a half past Andrew's death, and I can finally see that what Satan intended for evil, God intended for good.  I actually see it, and welcome it!