My love affair with running... And how it saved me

When I was a teenager I loved to run. I didn't play sports, but found a lot of peace in running. It seemed to help me run away from my troubles when I really couldn't run away.

 Nearly three years ago I ran my first 5k. I had just delivered our 4th child three months earlier. After nine months of no running, I couldn't wait to get back to the gym. So when Sarah was only four weeks old I bravely got back to the gym and began running again. I'm pretty sure I was supposed to wait until I was released by my Dr. But I just couldn't stand the wait any longer.

 I'd had an on again off again love affair with running for most of my life. It seemed to be mostly off again due to either trying to get pregnant, or actually being pregnant. After Sarah was born I felt pretty confident that I wasn't ever having anymore children so my love affair with running could be rekindled. 

The 5k went better than I expected. A friend of mine joined me and was such a great cheerleader, cheering me on as I ran ahead of her. (She's a keeper!) My time wasn't too bad. I think it was under forty minutes, and the last mile was on the beach. Running and I had just reconnected in a whole new way! 

Not too long after that school started. No more races for me during school. There was no time. The kids had school and sports and I did have that amazing little one to take care of. Fast forward to March of that year. I was running outdoors again since it was warming up. I was training myself for the next round of races coming up in the spring/summer.

However I had to stop because I had just found out I was pregnant again. I had never gotten pregnant while still nursing a baby. I was in shock but happy. A little bummed about no running, but it would be worth it.

When we lost Andrew just barely a few months later, I was lost. I had all these emotions, and no idea how to handle it all. So again, once I was released by my Dr I began running to help relieve all the pain of this loss. It seemed to be the only thing that helped. The last two years I've used running as a form of therapy. I had developed such an extreme amount of anxiety and panic that running was the only thing I knew to do that would relieve the symptoms when they arose. I often found myself running and walking as often as I possibly could. I also began seeing a therapist to help me understand all the emotions, and grief I was experiencing.

In the last two years, we have had some life changes. Mostly for the better, but they have affected my running affair. Not long before my original due date with Andrew, I left my job I loved, in a Kindergarten classroom. I became a stay at home mom again, with occasionally substitute teaching at my kids' school. Ken started a new job that requires an hour commute every day, but allows him to be home more. And in August we began our home school journey, which was intended for the three oldest kids and ended up schooling all four. We also began attending a Friday homeschool co-op. That's a lot in less than two years. 

But since August I have been so engrossed in school, that I have neglected my relationship with my running shoes. Don't get me wrong, I would run all day every day if I could! But I felt guilty for taking time for myself to run, when I felt all the pressures of wife, mom, and teacher. I began chugging nearly a pot of coffee daily, and rarely made it to the gym. We had a rough winter of sickness which made it difficult to get to the gym. And it seemed like every time I got back to running, one or more of us ended up sick again! I also gained some weight back that I'd lost in the last year. By February I was frustrated and had to find a way back to the gym and my beloved treadmills. Well my prayers were answered! I discovered that the gym down in Long Beach had been taken over by our local YMCA. I had a better chance of getting there than twenty minutes away at the larger facility!

I laced up my shoes and got back to it! I started back with my C25K app on my iphone. Thankfully I didn't have to start back at the beginning. It's been rough, but I felt somewhat ready for the upcoming 5K in our community. A week before the race I got sick with a nasty cold. I thought for sure I wasnt going to be able to participate, but kept running as much as possible with a hacking cough. By the Friday before I felt well enough to at least give it a try. I also managed to talk Matt into running with me. I had no idea he would pass me up and finish a whole five minutes sooner than me! That didn't help my ego much! If anything it only caused me to want to run more and beat his time.

We're nearing the second anniversary of Andrews death. All this time I've ran to relieve the pain of our loss. But things are changing. I'm healing. The anxiety and panic attacks are mostly all gone. I can now be in large crowds without worry that I will have an all out panic attack for the whole world to see. I'm getting better and stronger with my running. I don't seem to need to run for therapy as much anymore. I'm actually beginning to enjpy it as a regular part of life and exercise. Running saved me from a longer healing, or worse. It has been a more positive form of coping than I ever imagined. 

 The best part is that my family wants to join in on this activity. Sam ran nearly a mile and a half during our last family walk. Now he wants to run a marathon with me! I'm just hoping to be able to run a half marathon and survive! I'm also secretly hoping this love affair will rub off on my family! 

My first 5K with my cheerleader and friend Melissa

My second race, with a new running partner Matt