Trusting God in the midst of infertility

For most of us women we remember where we were, what we were wearing, and who we shared the news with when we first found out we were expecting. For women who have faced infertility, we also remember exactly how long we waited to get that news. It feels almost like the stars have finally aligned and someone waved a "magic" wand reciting abra cadabra and suddenly you're pregnant! Not that I believe that, but there is a moment that feels magical.  We can also remember how much we had to place our trust in God for this miracle we worried may never come.

For me the "magic" number has been Two. Two long years we waited for Sam. Two more long years we waited for Sarah. And now it's been two years since we lost Andrew.

I remember praying and telling God that if we were only meant to have the two children we already had, that I would be content with that. It wasn't easy. I remember all the tears, crying, and laying my heart before a God I wasn't even sure heard me. Just a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with Sam. His name has special meaning because it means "asked of God." I had just given away the crib. I had moved on.

Again when we decided to try for a fourth child, another girl, we had no idea what we would go through and that it would be another two years of waiting. We were finally told we probably wouldn't achieve pregnancy without a fertility specialist.  Two months later I sat in an exam room, dreading more bad news only to be told I was actually pregnant. I nearly fell out of my chair! I very well might have if the doctor hadn't given me a big hug! I had just given nearly every baby gear item I owned away! We had prayed and left it in God's hands.

After Sarah was born we were adamant that we were done. No more babies. It was just too hard waiting and trying for these babies. As the date approached for K to go to the urologist and have an initial appointment for the big V, I began to feel so much conviction. I felt God pressing on my heart. How could we as a couple who begged, prayed, pleaded, and above all trusted Him for our babies suddenly decide that we were going to take matters into our own hands and cut off the ability to have more children?

If He was really our God, and we put all our trust in Him, what gave us the right to take control of the one thing we'd learned we were never really in control of to begin with? So with that we decided the big V wouldn't happen. We decided we would trust Him for our family size. We were so confident that there probably wouldn't be anymore children. After two trips through the land of infertility that lasted two years each time, I wasn't completely convinced we'd have more. I wanted to believe God had healed me from this painful area of my life, and I chose to act as if I'd been healed. I also made it my mission to share the miracle God had done for us.

When we found out I was pregnant with Andrew, I then fully believed God had healed me and we would most likely have babies more often, and closer together now. I was preparing my heart for being a stay at home, homeschooling mom that drives a minivan, then a suburban, then maybe a 10 passenger van. When we lost him, I was confused, hurt, angry. I didn't understand what God was doing? We had placed our trust in Him for our family size! Losing Andrew was not part of the plan!

The last few weeks, I have been in a sort of countdown. Andrews birthday, and the two year mark has been barreling towards me like a freight train out of control. I can't stop it, and I can't avoid it. June 2nd will come, and there's not one thing I can do about it.

I'm now at a crossroads. We already know we will never do anything permanent to control our family size. But, it's been two years. One part of me wants to get rid of all my baby gear and move on with life. The other part of me wants to save every last thing because I'm so afraid I will then get pregnant after I get rid of it all. It's happened twice before, why wouldn't it happen again? I'm not holding my breath by any means. But if I get rid of it all I will then be faced with the anxiety provoking task of obtaining more stuff in order to be prepared if we do get pregnant. Or do I hold onto it until I know for sure there will never be anymore babies, and it's all rendered virtually useless by any decent, fashion forward mama? I actually tried to start going through stuff in order to get rid of it. I chickened out. It might be a longer process than I realized. Right now, I have managed to loan out my swing, and am searching for the breast pump to loan to another mom. Baby steps are in order at this point.

The biggest thing I am learning in this journey is that when I placed my trust in God each time, for my babies, I was trusting Him to know what's best for us as a family. He knows when and how many babies He wants us to have. He already knows how He wants our family to look like. Just because we are trusting Him to be in control of our family size doesn't mean we will be able to have all the children we want. It means learning to be content with where we are in this parenting journey and looking objectively at our current family size, realizing there are always reasons God says "No", or even "Wait," (We are seriously busy people right now!) I am learning that how many children we have is not as important as trusting Him to be Lord of our life. Every aspect of it.

My four amazing gifts from God