Things I never realized...

It's funny to think back to when I was a kid, and all the things I thought I would say and do when I was all grown up and on my own. I honestly thought that when I was an adult I would actually get to have complete control of my life! The relationships I had helped to form for my kids would always stay the same. And the job I love so much would never change. Funny right? Ya I thought so too. Last year when I was faced with Ella's two best friends moving to new schools, an involuntary transfer for myself to another school, and that leaving my baby with a very loving and attentive babysitter would actually be very hard, it occurred to me I had obviously been living in a dream land!

I thought I had it all figured out as to how many kids we would have, and when. I didn't realize what a rocky  road that would be!  I also didn't realize that I would love them so much it hurts!

We all do this. We all think to ourselves that if we do everything right things will go our way.  I never took the time to realize that we are never in control of anything at all! And we convince ourselves that we are! Then it's an even more humbling experience to realize that God is in control of everything.  We never actually had control to begin with. But I'm thankful, because His love covers all. It even covers my immature, childish thoughts that got me to this point! And I'm glad I did realize that!

Father's Day

How do you honor your Father? Scripture says to honor your Mother and Father. But what if you don't have one, or both? What if even though your mother and father are alive, you don't have a relationship? I have thought about this many times since my children have been born. Ken's parents passed before we had kids. And even though the rest of the family is close, it's very different that our little ones don't have paternal grandparents to grow up with. And then there is my family who lives so far away, in Oregon. We love them lots, but it's hard to be close because we only see them every couple of years.

So today I will honor in my heart my father and father-in-law. But publicly I want to honor the best Daddy I know. That would be my husband. We have been married almost 15 years, and have four amazing children who love and adore him! He is the man who said he never wanted children, yet they captured his heart at that first ultrasound. He cried when they were born, and held them like they were this fragile piece of art, to be sheltered and protected from any harm that might come their way.  Even though he works a lot, he makes time for them in everything he does. He picks up the slack where I leave off. He includes one or more of them when he goes somewhere. The kids favorite thing to do with Daddy is going to the "man store" (Lowe's,  Menard's). I remember the first time he helped Matt with homework. I thought to myself, wow he is the best Dad ever! He changes nasty poopy diapers like a pro, and can brush Ella's hair like he's done it his whole life. And she has a lot of hair! He always finds time to take off work and attend the kids school programs. Most recently he went with Matt on his first Boy Scouts camping trip. Oh and I forgot to mention, he is the kids biggest fan during Pop Warner season! And he doesn't even like football! I often say he can "do it all". I bet if we had unlimited resources, he would build me the house of my dreams!

He is truly the husband and Daddy anyone could ever ask for. I don't brag about him often enough, but as I'm typing this he is currently at urgent care. The last few weeks has worn him out and he is sick with what sounds to me like a sinus infection. But the funny part is, he took Matt with him! He just does whatever needs to be done with kids in tow. Which is how we like it. Everything we do includes our kids. I pray that when our kids are older and have their own family, they will remember how Mom and Dad did things, and remember that it was out of love for them!

Happy Fathers Day to the best Daddy in the world!

Our M.E.S.S.A...

Well this is definitely not the update I had hoped to publish, but here it goes anyway. On June 1st I was excited when the Dr. handed me a paper for an ultrasound to determine the gender of our baby blessing number 5.  Just several weeks before we had made the official announcement with a very fun and creative picture to share our news. We had a lot of worries, and wondered how we would provide for another baby. I had to quit nursing Sarah to give our newest baby a better chance at getting to the 12 week mark. And I often thought, "how is Sarah going to handle losing all her Momma attention to a little sibling?" But I really had a peace inside of me that God would provide all, including the grace for me to have two little ones under the age of two! In my heart I knew I could do it.

The months before we had nervously waited for positive feedback after every ultrasound and trip to the lab for blood work. It seemed this baby was determined to make it on it's own. We had thought we were out of the woods finally. However that day I got my papers turned out to be the worst day of our lives. After many attempts at finding the baby's heartbeat, we were told there wasn't one. No heartbeat. No squirming, kicking, arm flailing, moving baby. Just a very heartbroken Momma and Daddy. I was told I would have to go thru labor, and deliver this little baby that our whole family was already so very excited about.

I was immediately admitted to the OB dept. And Ken had the awful job of going home to tell our children that their baby sibling had passed away and would not be coming home with us. They all cried, and Sam especially asked why he couldn't go to the hospital to see his Momma. After a 25 hour ordeal we did deliver a tiny, perfectly formed, beautiful little boy that was already safely in Heaven with Jesus.

We had been asked many times over the last couple months what our baby's name would be...We had kept it somewhat of a secret because we wanted to make sure we picked the right name. Plus we thought we were having a girl. Boy was I wrong this time! We wanted an A name and thought the name would be Avagail. But when we saw he was a boy we knew his name was Andrew. Andrew Jacob Paul Mosley. We never got to hear his cry, or see him smile. But we know that when we get to Heaven, we will get to spend eternity with him.

A good friend thought it was funny last fall to share a dream with us that she had. In her dream we had three more babies. And that they would have an A, G, and E name. And that instead of a MESS it would be MESSAGE.  At the time we didn't find her very amusing. But when I found out I was pregnant, I thought to myself, "wow maybe God has something bigger planned for us". We had already made a commitment to let God be in complete control of our lives. I had spent the last year sharing with any woman who was, or desired to be pregnant, the miracle God did in our lives. We still, even in this time of horrible sadness, stand  firm in our belief that God has an awesome ministry for our life. And oddly enough, even though Ken had said "there will be no more babies after Sarah", our hearts are still open for more children in our family. So we will wait and see what God has planned for us, and follow Him. And we will welcome any more blessings of babies that He gives us.

The day after I came home from the hospital, Sam wanted to see the picture we had taken of Andrew again. And with a child like faith, and very matter of fact. He said...And I will never forget this. "Momma, our next baby will be a girl, and she won't die." I only hope to capture a little bit of his faith! And I hope it never leaves him! Little children can teach us so many things if only we listen!