The next chapter...

I've been thinking the last few days of this next chapter in our life. No longer will I be walking the halls at school or hanging out with my favorite five year olds. It makes me a little sad, but I know that I will get to go hang out with them periodically. This morning I got to go see them, and spend some time visiting and reading to them. Then they very sweetly demanded I walk them to lunch! They definitely make me smile!

This next chapter means I will be full time momma and wife again. I know this chapter well. I've done it before. I have forgotten what it's like to be home all day with a toddler and feel as though nothing has been accomplished!  Little by little I will get the hang of things again. When I told the kids I wasn't returning to work, they were all very excited. Why? I don't know. They are at school all day! I guess it's just important to them that I am available at all times now.
Since I've been home, everyone seems to be calmer. I feel like pieces of me are beginning to come back. YAY! I see more of the old Ginny a little every day! Even my prayer life is coming back. I am finally able to read my bible and not feel like its a blur. My brain is starting to reorganize as well. I can actually stay on task and remember all that needs to be done. And mostly I don't feel so overwhelmed by life or grief.  The kids are not so stressed out either. Sam no longer begs me to stay with him at school. In fact he gets right into his work. He was the one child I was most worried about after Andrew died. I had really thought it might benefit him to go to counseling. The other night I had to take Matt to the hospital to xray his finger for a possible fracture. It was a little crazy, but we all kept it together well. This lady came walking by and was asking questions about our family, Wow they are so well mannered. 2boys, 2 girls. Are you going to have anymore? The typical questions I get whenever we are out... The kids all made me proud. Their answers were as follows... (Oh yes hopefully! Ya, we might be the next Duggars! We want a new baby soon!) They are amazing kids! It was also the first time Sam didn't mention his baby brother in heaven to a perfect stranger. I guess time does heal all wounds.

It was very hard to make the decision to stay at home again. Not that I had much choice. There was a part of me though that worried I would regret quitting my job. After all, I LOVE IT! But God has been stirring in me this desire to be home again since before I became pregnant with Andrew. I know that His plans for my life include a strong desire to minister to other women, and mostly moms. Now I can see that even losing Andrew will be a ministry opportunity. Suddenly I find myself wanting to reach out to other moms who have recently been through the same ordeal as myself. My heart goes out to them with such an understanding that most women wouldn't know unless they had been through this as well. I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life. And when I start to think I want to go back to work, I'll remind myself that God called me back home for a reason!

October 1st.

 Four months to the day that my world came crashing down around me. Four months ago we found that my sweet Andrew went to be with Jesus. I wonder if the first of every month will always feel like a stab to my heart? It's hard to think about how close to the end of my pregnancy I would be. In just a few short weeks I would've been holding my little boy, relishing in his beauty and God's amazing miracle that is life. I often wonder what his personality would've been like. Maybe he would've been just as silly as his big brothers and sisters. Would he have had curly hair like his daddy? Or maybe it would've been blonde like when Sam was little?
I know I won't have any answers this side of heaven. But I honestly can't wait to meet him and grab him up in my arms and hug and kiss his face all over. Until then I will continue to have faith that he is safe with our heavenly father. I will continue to have faith even when I doubt. Yes even Christians doubt. And I have had many doubting days. I will continue to praise God when it hurts. I will continue to love Him when I'm frustrated and angry. I know that God must think I'm strong enough to handle such a heavy burden. And honestly most days I'm not up for such a burden. But I know that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Stuck in the desert

I started this blog in February thinking I would have so much to say...
I'm trying to find inspiration and yet I feel like I'm barely wandering around here.
For several months last spring we thought our family was moving to Texas. We really felt in our heart that God was calling us there for some crazy reason! You know He has a great sense of humor! But like I've said before, we are determined to live our lives allowing Him to be in complete control. Its funny because Texas is the last place I would want to go. It's hot there! And I can't run when it's hot! But today I was reminded that it's also a desert place of sorts. I was also reminded of how God allows us to go through the deserts of life. Maybe He was preparing our hearts for the driest desert we've ever known?
I'm reminded of when Jesus was in the wilderness and angels ministered to him. And when the Jews were in the desert for forty years, yet God was with them. The last few months we have had so many people ministering to us. Holding us up when we couldn't stand on our own. Praying for us and just loving us. I am so grateful for all of those wonderful people. The last couple weeks have been the driest moments of my spiritual journey yet. I had begun to think that no amount of medication or therapy was going to help. I had felt myself falling, again, and fast! And honestly I was mad! I never knew it was possible to actually be mad at God! I really thought it was such a level of disrespect to be mad. I've grown up my whole life in church. I know what His word says. But in my anger I wanted to tell Him I thought His word was a load of crap! I wanted to know how could he give me this testimony with our struggles to conceive and then be blessed with Sarah, and then get pregnant so quickly with Andrew, but then take him away from us? I felt like my testimony had been tainted. Not as powerful as it once was. Because now there was more hurt. Not only did this hurt Ken and I, it hurt our children!
Now I realize just how my own children feel when they are angry with me. When they don't get what they want and I am the one to comfort them. Or when they lose something dear to their hearts and I have to figure out a way to reach them in a way they will understand. It's been an eye opening experience to see myself as the child as well. It is a very long, dry journey. But I'm sure that when I get to the other side of this desert, there will be a wonderful oasis to rest in. And thankfully, God will still love me no matter what!

Begining to move forward

It's been a while since I've written. Mainly because I didn't have anything positive to say. Granted I have posted nearly every day this summer to keep family updated on our crazy life and the MESS.

This week has actually been the easiest week since Andrew went to heaven to be with Jesus. The last two and a half months are starting to look like a blur. I find that a little annoying, since as painful as it has been, I don't want to forget anything. So I'm choosing not to forget, but to move forward. It's all I know to do. I know that God will use this as an opportunity to minister to other women. I know His word says that what satan meant for evil, God meant for good. So I am choosing to believe that good will come from losing our baby. Andrew has forever changed us and we won't ever forget how deeply he touched our lives.

Today I picked up his pictures from the hospital. It was the one last thing I needed in order to move forward. I also took a gift to my two nurses that took care of me while we were there. They were wonderful. Until you go thru something as awful as losing a baby, you never realize just how hard their job is. It really blessed me to see how touched the one nurse was by my gift. Definitely a good ending to a bad couple of months!

Monday I officially start back to work for the school year. I am excited to meet all my new students. I am also looking forward to the distractions that will keep me from dwelling on how much I miss my baby. And much like my new motto of moving forward our kids are moving forward as well. They will be attending a new school. All three of them, together! That is a first! I'm sad and excited at the same time. Matt is going to be in sixth grade. Ella will be in fourth grade. And my little Sam, who is a character all in his own way, will be a kindergartner. I just don't know where time goes. But we are all excited for the new school year!

Moving forward is so so very hard, but necessary. So with that said, here's to a new "year".

Overwhelming Joy

The longer I am home for the summer with the kids, the more inspired I am to write about them. The more I am amazed and in awe of them. I love to tell them that they make my heart smile!

I used to struggle to find joy in being a stay at home mom. But the more time I spend with them this summer, the stronger my desire is to be home full time again. I was at home off and on when Matt and Ella were little. Until I found a job at the YMCA that allowed me to take them with me. Seemed like a great plan because they could still be close by and I didn't have to pay a babysitter.  But I still struggled to find joy in that. I would get annoyed when they would get sick and I couldn't go work out or go to work. (Same place by the way.) Don't get me wrong, I loved them to pieces, but I didn't have any joy in being a mom to two children who were only 20 months apart. I actually once had someone say to me, "Why do you want more kids? You don't even like the two you have." Those words really cut quite deep. I liked them! I loved them! I would lay down my own life for them! As a young mom, (early 20's) I was trying to find myself and raise a family. Growing up I didn't have a great role model to know what makes a "joyful" mom. I would often look at those moms who could explain everything to their child in the most eloquent, age appropriate, excited fashion, and think. "Either she's is raving mad or I don't get it."

Fast forward a little...Four years between Ella and Sam. We had to wait so long for Sam, that I had actually nearly given up on having anymore kids. His name is so appropriate because it means "asked of God". I specifically remember praying and asking for him. I also remember submitting to the possibility that there might not be anymore children.  During this time I was waiting for lab results to try and find out why I wasn't getting pregnant. The only results I got were a positive pregnancy test that the Dr had thrown in just for kicks. Talk about a bittersweet moment. So I quit working again and not quite 9 months later I was holding this sweet little boy, whom I absolutely adored. It was like being a first time mom all over. I felt a joy that I hadn't had in so long. I actually had joy! This little (and I mean little since he was our smallest one so far) guy made me ooh and ahh as a mom all over again! Unfortunately by the time he was 2, I was chomping at the bit to go back to work. Fueled by a feeling of inadequacy as an adult who should be working to contribute to our home.

Again we are ready to add to our family. I returned to work, at my kids school. I was there, and so were they. Sam was in a small home daycare. All was good. All except, I really wanted another baby. And again we went thru so much to get pregnant. If you have read any of my other posts, you would know that it was another uphill battle. And another four years between babies. When Sarah was born all decency went out the window. I had become like all those other moms. I now play and enjoy my children like all those other crazy moms. I carry on strange conversations with them. You know, the ones that only a mother and child understand. I cheer them on when one of them gets hurt, as if it were a right of passage. I don't gasp at the dangerous things they attempt. I just pray as I watch!  And everything they do gives me joy. Even when the older two fight, I'm rarely phased.  It has occurred to me that all along my heart was to be at home with them. I was trying to find my self worth in what other people wanted out of me. I love my job, but my kids are my first love. My kids are my self worth.  And being a mom brings me absolute overwhelming joy.

Things I never realized...

It's funny to think back to when I was a kid, and all the things I thought I would say and do when I was all grown up and on my own. I honestly thought that when I was an adult I would actually get to have complete control of my life! The relationships I had helped to form for my kids would always stay the same. And the job I love so much would never change. Funny right? Ya I thought so too. Last year when I was faced with Ella's two best friends moving to new schools, an involuntary transfer for myself to another school, and that leaving my baby with a very loving and attentive babysitter would actually be very hard, it occurred to me I had obviously been living in a dream land!

I thought I had it all figured out as to how many kids we would have, and when. I didn't realize what a rocky  road that would be!  I also didn't realize that I would love them so much it hurts!

We all do this. We all think to ourselves that if we do everything right things will go our way.  I never took the time to realize that we are never in control of anything at all! And we convince ourselves that we are! Then it's an even more humbling experience to realize that God is in control of everything.  We never actually had control to begin with. But I'm thankful, because His love covers all. It even covers my immature, childish thoughts that got me to this point! And I'm glad I did realize that!

Father's Day

How do you honor your Father? Scripture says to honor your Mother and Father. But what if you don't have one, or both? What if even though your mother and father are alive, you don't have a relationship? I have thought about this many times since my children have been born. Ken's parents passed before we had kids. And even though the rest of the family is close, it's very different that our little ones don't have paternal grandparents to grow up with. And then there is my family who lives so far away, in Oregon. We love them lots, but it's hard to be close because we only see them every couple of years.

So today I will honor in my heart my father and father-in-law. But publicly I want to honor the best Daddy I know. That would be my husband. We have been married almost 15 years, and have four amazing children who love and adore him! He is the man who said he never wanted children, yet they captured his heart at that first ultrasound. He cried when they were born, and held them like they were this fragile piece of art, to be sheltered and protected from any harm that might come their way.  Even though he works a lot, he makes time for them in everything he does. He picks up the slack where I leave off. He includes one or more of them when he goes somewhere. The kids favorite thing to do with Daddy is going to the "man store" (Lowe's,  Menard's). I remember the first time he helped Matt with homework. I thought to myself, wow he is the best Dad ever! He changes nasty poopy diapers like a pro, and can brush Ella's hair like he's done it his whole life. And she has a lot of hair! He always finds time to take off work and attend the kids school programs. Most recently he went with Matt on his first Boy Scouts camping trip. Oh and I forgot to mention, he is the kids biggest fan during Pop Warner season! And he doesn't even like football! I often say he can "do it all". I bet if we had unlimited resources, he would build me the house of my dreams!

He is truly the husband and Daddy anyone could ever ask for. I don't brag about him often enough, but as I'm typing this he is currently at urgent care. The last few weeks has worn him out and he is sick with what sounds to me like a sinus infection. But the funny part is, he took Matt with him! He just does whatever needs to be done with kids in tow. Which is how we like it. Everything we do includes our kids. I pray that when our kids are older and have their own family, they will remember how Mom and Dad did things, and remember that it was out of love for them!

Happy Fathers Day to the best Daddy in the world!

Our M.E.S.S.A...

Well this is definitely not the update I had hoped to publish, but here it goes anyway. On June 1st I was excited when the Dr. handed me a paper for an ultrasound to determine the gender of our baby blessing number 5.  Just several weeks before we had made the official announcement with a very fun and creative picture to share our news. We had a lot of worries, and wondered how we would provide for another baby. I had to quit nursing Sarah to give our newest baby a better chance at getting to the 12 week mark. And I often thought, "how is Sarah going to handle losing all her Momma attention to a little sibling?" But I really had a peace inside of me that God would provide all, including the grace for me to have two little ones under the age of two! In my heart I knew I could do it.

The months before we had nervously waited for positive feedback after every ultrasound and trip to the lab for blood work. It seemed this baby was determined to make it on it's own. We had thought we were out of the woods finally. However that day I got my papers turned out to be the worst day of our lives. After many attempts at finding the baby's heartbeat, we were told there wasn't one. No heartbeat. No squirming, kicking, arm flailing, moving baby. Just a very heartbroken Momma and Daddy. I was told I would have to go thru labor, and deliver this little baby that our whole family was already so very excited about.

I was immediately admitted to the OB dept. And Ken had the awful job of going home to tell our children that their baby sibling had passed away and would not be coming home with us. They all cried, and Sam especially asked why he couldn't go to the hospital to see his Momma. After a 25 hour ordeal we did deliver a tiny, perfectly formed, beautiful little boy that was already safely in Heaven with Jesus.

We had been asked many times over the last couple months what our baby's name would be...We had kept it somewhat of a secret because we wanted to make sure we picked the right name. Plus we thought we were having a girl. Boy was I wrong this time! We wanted an A name and thought the name would be Avagail. But when we saw he was a boy we knew his name was Andrew. Andrew Jacob Paul Mosley. We never got to hear his cry, or see him smile. But we know that when we get to Heaven, we will get to spend eternity with him.

A good friend thought it was funny last fall to share a dream with us that she had. In her dream we had three more babies. And that they would have an A, G, and E name. And that instead of a MESS it would be MESSAGE.  At the time we didn't find her very amusing. But when I found out I was pregnant, I thought to myself, "wow maybe God has something bigger planned for us". We had already made a commitment to let God be in complete control of our lives. I had spent the last year sharing with any woman who was, or desired to be pregnant, the miracle God did in our lives. We still, even in this time of horrible sadness, stand  firm in our belief that God has an awesome ministry for our life. And oddly enough, even though Ken had said "there will be no more babies after Sarah", our hearts are still open for more children in our family. So we will wait and see what God has planned for us, and follow Him. And we will welcome any more blessings of babies that He gives us.

The day after I came home from the hospital, Sam wanted to see the picture we had taken of Andrew again. And with a child like faith, and very matter of fact. He said...And I will never forget this. "Momma, our next baby will be a girl, and she won't die." I only hope to capture a little bit of his faith! And I hope it never leaves him! Little children can teach us so many things if only we listen!

Mother's Day

So I'm sitting here on Mother's Day, enjoying the peace and quiet that has settled on my house. The husband and children are all sound asleep and I can actually have time to think! Yesterday while on my walk I had time to reflect on this first Mother's Day without my real mom. Granted she hadn't been in my life for many years. But  I always had it in the back of my mind that if I really wanted to talk to her I would be able to. I could call her and ask her the questions I wanted answers to. So now here I am with these question I want to know answers to, and I won't ever get. I'm regretful that I didn't give her more of a chance when she was here, and alive.
Then we come to my wonderful 2nd Mom, Judy. She has known me my entire life. She has always sent me birthday and Christmas gifts, even now that I'm grown up! She has always loved me like her own. She tolerated me as a teenager, when I'm pretty sure she wanted to sell me! She loves my husband and children like her own. I always joke with Ken and tell him that they like him more than me!
And then we also have my Spiritual Mom, BJ.
 She has only been in our lives about 9-10 years. But she has taught me so many things. She has lovingly and patiently prayed with me, shown me scripture when I needed it. And even gotten a little irritated when I refused to heed her advice! She has been around to see 3 of our 4 children as newborns. She has adopted all of us as her children and grandchildren. Which is nice since the kids don't have any Grandparents here.

All of these women influenced my life in so many ways. I only hope that I take the good from all of them and use it to raise my own children in a Godly, positive, and unforgettable way that they will cherish when they are adults!

Happy Mother's Day!

One AMAZING Year

Not many people would think that a year of wars, earthquakes, tsunamis, and rising gas and grocery costs would equal an amazing year. In the Mosley house that's a different story. One year ago God blessed us with our fourth amazing child.

On April 13th 2010, Miss Sarah Grace Marie Mosley loudly joined our family.  She has been providing us with lots of smiles and tears and earaches since! It's so hard to believe that she is already a year old! Almost two years ago we thought we would never have any more children. The prognosis was grim, heartbreaking in fact. After years of trying to conceive we were told "this isn't going to happen."

Well no one counted on my level of faith. I knew that my God is bigger and a better healer than any doctor with the best education money can buy! And that He did! We partnered with several trusted prayer warriors. And less than two months later we discovered we were indeed expecting! So after lots of prayers, preparation, and stocking up on diapers we were ready to welcome our little girl into our arms and family!

My God is amazing and He never ceases to prove it! 

Here are some pictures of Sarah over the last year. I hope you enjoy them as much as we do!

Regrets...and Second Chances

So today is the 6month anniversary of my mom's passing. I spent a lot of years being very angry and unforgiving. It seems like at every turn I made I was blaming her for something. And doing everything in my power to be NOTHING LIKE HER! I felt like I had been failed as a child. Like I never had a mom. But as time goes by, I realize that she was more of a mom than I ever realized. After all, you know that I've heard things come out of my mouth that I swore I would never say because she said them! And we all do that! I know she was the best mom she knew how to be. After all, I turned out o.k. I got grounded when I messed up. She made sure I went to church. She made sure I went to school. Even if I was dirty. I had to do chores. Which is probably why I hate dishes and laundry! She always tried to be goofy, even when I thought she was a dork!  But she tried and I can't fault her for that.
So now I'm just left with regrets. Regrets that I didn't try harder. Regrets that I didn't embrace her when I could have. Regrets that I didn't ask her all the questions I wanted answers to. And most of all regrets that my kids never had a chance to really know her. But one thing I know for sure. I don't regret that I made peace with her. I don't regret that I finally told her "I love you" just a few weeks before she passed away. And I don't regret that she got to see her grand babies.
I have a second chance though. I have 4 amazing kids that are my entire world!  When you hear people say "Let your mess be your message." I really take that to heart. My MESS is my message. They are awesome! And I will raise them with no regrets! I will always be there to fight for them when they cannot. I will be mean and make them do homework and chores! I will make them show love and kindness to each other even when they don't want to. I will teach them that God our Father comes first above all else! I know the road might be bumpy along the way. But afterwards I want as a family to be able to laugh and joke about the ride! I know I won't regret that!

Above is a picture I took the day of my sister Ruthie's wedding. My mom is in the background. I wish it was a better picture. It was also the last day I got to see and speak to her. 

Fruit...eat it or live it?

This is my first blog, Ever! So here it goes!
I have always tried to teach my children to live by the fruit of the Spirit. Galations 5:22-23, But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
It is my hearts desire to rasie children into loving, caring, patient, compassionante Godly adults. In today's society it isn't easy by any means! And I will be honest and admit even I fall short of this feat frequently.
As I write this first blog, our oldest son Matthew has shown love for his family by allowing me to sleep in, changed and fed Sarah. And then cooked breakfast for himself and Ella. I'm not sure if he has a motive behind all this, but I am choosing to believe he is moved by the Holy Spirit!  My children often find ways to love one another. However it has been less lately as Matt and Ella are getting older. My heart is so blessed by these four little people that God has loaned us! I can't imagine my life any other way!
So, next time you eat a piece of fruit, think about it...are you just eating it? Or are you living it?