Half Way There

I've been contemplating a blog about homeschooling for some time now. In the beginning I just wanted to write about all the wonderful things I am finding that go along with homeschooling. I will eventually get to that.
Today has been so relaxed. Most of us are bathed and dressed. And the ones who aren't have declared that they won't be dressing anytime today. Honestly that's probably one of their favorite parts of homeschool.
I am happy to report though that we have made it to the halfway point in our official school year!
This is exciting news because my last attempt only lasted six weeks, I sent Ella back to a regular Kindergarten class, and I went back to work. (In their school of course!)
My goal was to make it past the first six weeks. Then Thanksgiving and Christmas were my next hurdle.
We made it,with far less tears than I expected. (Most of them mine)

I really am so grateful to have a chance to reconnect with my kids, and give them an opportunity to keep their childhood as long as possible! Granted some days are better than others. Some days a kid or I end up sick and not much, if anything gets done. And some days are amazing! Like yesterday for example. We have a busy day on Wednesdays, gymnastics, diving, a trip to the gym for me, and some weeks girl scouts. Sam had his work with him, and for the first time EVER he took over reading and writing on his own! I love getting to see him grow academically! I love to see all of them growing.

It's days like this that I am so happy to see that my obedience to God has big rewards! And now we only have the second half of the school year to get thru!

Life is crazy some days, but these kids are totally worth it!

In Search Of...

If my current life was to be summed up in a newspaper want ad, I'd maybe write it like this...
Really cool mom; Yes REALLY cool, desperately seeking three very important things in life. Joy, peace, and contentment. Clearly these things cannot be found when searching the want ads. But it makes for a great conversation starter. And by conversation, I mean that weekly hour on the "couch".

After praying so long for my version of healing, I've finally come to realize that the way I've expected God to heal my heart, may not be the way He has planned. But before I get into that any further, let's rewind to a year and a half ago for the newest readers. June 1st, 2011. It was the day I knew I would probably get my ultrasound orders at my monthly checkup. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. Long story short. The ultrasound wasn't a joyful moment. It was the moment my heart broke into a million pieces. My baby didn't have a heartbeat.  The events of the next two days have finally begun to blur, but the heartache and memories are still there.

All this time I had told myself and God that I would be able to really have a complete healing when I was able to have another baby. Now that I've typed that last sentence, it almost seems ridiculous. I was once asked, "what if there isn't another baby?" Well then I guess it will be time that heals this wound. And time, it's moving at a snails pace most days. So for the last year and a half we tried to get pregnant again. With success, but ending up in another loss. My life had gone from blissful, to depressing. My days were spent at the gym, to try and release some of the frustration and anger that had come into my life. Therapist, which I only agreed to under doctors orders. And now also another Dr. since I now have a lovely thyroid issue to contend with. 

Last week I went into the therapist office, and very adamantly told her we needed to make a plan. No more trying for a baby! No more tears of frustration! No more disappointment in this area of my life! I need to find Joy and contentment in my life again. And maybe I need to add peace to that too, because I haven't felt that in so very long. If not for me, then at least for my kids.

Today we woke up late, couldn't get into a routine for school, and so I decided  it was a late day, and the weather is still warmish. I should try my luck at pictures in the park with all four kids! That, my friends is called bravery! I'd had their outfits picked out for weeks, but just couldn't get my schedule to match the photographers. So Super Mom decided to turn Amature Photographer!

It went surprisingly well! Pictures were great! They turned out so beautiful! I just can't believe my luck! The best part was that we were practically the only ones there! No crazy distractions, and no tears! After we were all done, I proclaimed it was time to go play on the playground! I was just enjoying the moment. Helping the six year old learn to swing. Trying to scare the two year old a little as she came down the slide. And not once did I hear fighting from the older two! They were all playing and having fun. Even the 12 year old! It was at that moment when I suddenly felt like the world was right again. It was the most beautiful, birds chirping, sun is a little brighter, life is good, the world is at peace moment I'd felt in a very long time. It was great!
About thirty minutes later I realized this was the first time we'd done pictures and hadn't included Andrew in some way. It didn't even cross my mind! And for a quick second, my heart screamed "Go do it all over again! You forgot Andrew!" How could I forget my other child? Clearly we didn't redo the pictures. That would've been torture for all of us! I had a momentary stab in the heart, but mostly I hung on to those moments of joy, peace, and contentment I'd had a little bit ago. It was the first real sign of healing I'd had. And I planned to hang onto it until the next one comes along. So maybe I can't find these things in a want ad, but maybe I can find ways to make them happen.

A Day To Remember

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Actually the whole month is, but all moms know that every day is rememberance day.
Every day I think of the babies I've lost. Especially Andrew since he would've been one this month. Every day I am reminded of the little boy I delivered and didn't get to bring home. Every day I think about what he would be doing now. I'm sure he'd be very close to walking. I'm sure he'd be drooling lots since he'd be teething. I'm positive he'd be spoiled by his older siblings. I  know that his sister Sarah would give me a run for my money since they would've only been 18 months apart! I also know he'd be a great source of joy to our family!
Every day I am reminded that there is an ache in my heart, where there should be joy. When I go out in public and see other little baby boys, when I see other expectant moms, when I have no choice but to see the baby section in a store, when I get baby mail, (You know the junk that tells you how old your child should be? As if I needed the reminder!)
I have to be honest and say that I had no idea there was such a day, or even a month until Andrew died. Losing him made my eyes open wide to just how frequent such a heart breaking event occurs in a womans life. It has made me more aware and more sensitive to other moms and just how deep that hurt is. While I always thought the typical responses, I never dared say them to another woman, and still won't. It's not only cliche, but it's also not always true. Here is a list of things that I've heard, and thought, but do not reccomend be repeated.

1. "It's God's way of taking care of things." Well yes God gives and takes away. True. It doesn't help matters. I've found that it only made me question God, and feel angry towards Him. I'm not claiming to be a perfect Christian, but even I have had doubts during my emotional roller coaster.

2. "You can try again." Sure you can. Month after emotionally exhausting month. Some women are actually lucky enough to conceive again right away and have a perfectly healthy full term baby. Others are not so lucky. It took us 6 months to get pregnant after losing Andrew. Then we miscarried right away. And now it's been nearly another year. I'm sure there are women out there who were never able to conceive again.

3. "Well just be happy for the kids you do have." This one sticks in my craw most of all. Who said we aren't grateful for the kids we have? For that matter, it's almost like saying the baby that was just lost really isn't a baby at all.  We love that baby the moment we see the test turn positive. That baby is also one of our kids. Oh and by the way, if the older kids were expecting a baby sibling too, they are also hurting, and confused.

4. "Try to stay positive and move on." Another sticky, irritating one. While every mom has a different grief process, she needs time. Time to cry, process, talk about the baby and the events surrounding the loss, and lean on a shoulder of a very caring friend. Even if you don't know what to say, ask questions. Let her know you care.

5. "At least it was early on." Well that just made it so much better! Not! Seriously, like I said before we love that baby the moment we find out the test is positive. Unfortunatly the earlier it happens doesn't always make it easier. It just means we don't always have anything tangible to keep to remember that baby by. Even an ultrasound picture would be better than nothing. Since Andrews death I've found I am always searching for something that would remind me of him. A necklace with his name, an ornament for the christmas tree, a figurine, and recently a garden stone for the garden we are creating, (Andrew's garden) are just a few of the ways we have made sure to include him as a part of our family. After all he will always be a part of our family. He is our child.

While we are quite aware that October is breast cancer awareness month, (you know the things moms use to feed their babies?) Remember it's also a month to honor the angel babies in heaven, and the mom's that God has asked to walk the painful journey of pregnancy and infant loss.

What is normal?

I've been "officially" a stay at home mom now for six months. I say that a little loosely because I have had many subbing days at the kids' school, and more recently a long term position at one of the public schools doing my old job. It was a six week position, however it only lasted two weeks. I thought that it would be a great chance to prove to myself that I was back to "normal". My old self. The Ginny who can do anything!!!

  I have this part of me that thinks I have to prove to everyone that I'm not just normal, I'm better at doing the normal mom/wife stuff. Because after all a mom who has 4 kids and can work full time, keep house, etc must be amazing! Right? I've heard many people say over the last several years that they are amazed at how I can do it. I often take the compliment and keep on doing what I do. They don't see the parts of me that struggle with the pain of fertility issues, and miscarriage. Or how much we miss Ken during the week because he has to work so much. Or even how inadequate I often feel as a mom. In the last year my life has been anything but normal. I spent months trying to keep a pregnancy going that was determined to fail. And when Andrew died my whole sense of normal went into a tail spin.

 The thing I've come to realize is that I'm not normal. I'm not the old Ginny who can raise a houseful of kids, work full time, meet my husbands needs, and keep an almost perfectly clean house. All the while repeating to myself "I am woman hear me roar". "I can do it all". "I can work full time and be a perfect wife, and mother". I often went home exhausted and after a day of giving my students all my patience, energy, and the best of any other part of me, I found that my own kids were getting my leftovers. That often meant cereal or take out for dinner. And a crabby, impatient, tired Momma. Oh and my house was never clean! The more I clean, the more a child comes behind me and leaves a new mess! The minute laundry is caught up, I find a new load waiting. And we won't even discuss the dishes!

So this is my new normal... Instead of welcoming a new baby to the family, I have to work harder to make sure my kids are doing okay. Instead of working, I go to therapy. I spend most of my days trying to figure out how to do some of my old "stay at home mom" routines that I forgot a long time ago. Instead of going about my day like life is wonderful, I question God about everything that has gone on, and is going on in my life. And I tell Him all day that no matter what I will still trust Him that he is taking me thru something important. I'm learning how to be the new Ginny, because I'm not sure when and if I will ever be the old normal Ginny.

Missed it

I finally broke down and called the cable company today to upgrade our cable. I had down graded a few month ago because I was trying to save money in our budget. Of course I lost my favorite channel. TLC is actually the only tv I really pay any attention to. I've missed the entire season of 19 kids and counting! I love their family, and dedication to their children! I was hoping to get to watch tonight because it was the episode when they told the kids they had lost baby 20. I often wonder what it would've been like to come home with Ken to tell the kids. I saw a little bit of how they must've reacted a couple weeks ago when they heard the news of the teachers daughter from school passing away so suddenly. It was a very hard day in our house. The kids all wanted to go to her funeral and they didn't even know her.
I can't wait to see the whole season even if it means I buy it. I have found myself very interested in how Michelle's pregnancy ended a lot like mine. Oddly enough even our pregnancy length was the same. We were both supposed to be at 19 weeks according to our cycle. However the babies were both right about 16 weeks. (give or take a few days.) I remember thinking to myself before Michelle lost her baby, what is she doing right that I'm not? Don't I love my kids enough? Have I not been a good enough Christian? Why did God allow this to happen to our family? We were following His lead in our life!!! But when Michelle lost Jubilee I had one of those Ah ha! Moments. God is no respecter of persons. He has His reasons for everything. I realized recently and was able to actually wrap my brain around this,
God didn't punish me by taking Andrew.
Satan couldn't steal him because he just doesn't have that kind of power.
All things have to go through the Father first.
And God did allow this to happen knowing that He would make something good out of something so painful. He knew I would recover and willingly take this part of my life and use it for His purpose.
When I get to watch the last episode of 19 kids, I'll let you all in on my insights. From one greiving mom to another. It will be a tearjerker I'm sure.

Busy busy!!!!

Wow so this last few weeks has been seriously crazy! Just when we thought things were settling down, a young couple we know lost one of their twin babies, a couple from church lost their first pregnancy, and another family we know lost their little girl who was only 2. It's been weeks of heavy prayer for these families.
I spent the better part of the last two weeks with a sinus infection and also doing some subbing at the kids school. Then Ken's brother Tom died very suddenly! That was such a shock. Keep him in prayer because it really is hard to lose a sibling so suddenly when you had no chance to say goodbye. One thing I have to say about this giant family I married into, is they love HARD, and they sure know how to pull together in tough times! I used to feel like I wasn't really a part, but just an extension. Since Andrew died though, they have really shown me that I am a part of this crazy Mosley family! And I love them all!
I also met with one of the core group ministries I'm part of at church. It's called the Moses Basket, and they minister to pregnant and adopting families. It's amazing and I'm loving praying for all these moms that are pregnant and are wanting to get pregnant! My part will be of course prayer, and passing along the Supernatural Childbirth book to other women. But the newest addition to the ministry is the remembrance box. I'm excited to use my heartbreak of losing Andrew to minster to other women, but hopefully it won't be very often. I've been working on writing my story and also making a book to share the different jewelry and little things that will go in a box for those moms who will need one. I never thought anything good would come from such an awful time in our life, but God is good and He always turns good from something bad.
With that said, I need to get back to work! I will share pics later. And also I am thinking about how I will write about Sam's views and thoughts about death. He's only six and has dealt with so much this year that it's normal for him now I guess.
 Love you all! Have a great week!!!

Settled in...finally. Maybe. I think?

I wasn't really sure how well I would take to being home again once the dust surrounding my leave/resignation settled. I new there was so much to keep me occupied, as well as keeping after a very busy little girl!
I began mostly by resting, giving Sarah lots of Momma attention, and going to therapy when the kids were at school. Slowly I dug into that once heard of task called housework. It occurred to me rather quickly that these people in my house are pigs!(I still love them despite their messes!) And the work never ends! Plus they eat all the time! I think I have cooked more in the last four months than I have in the last four years!


I'm also seeing that we are getting closer to the end of a very hard, long year. My grief process is getting easier every day. There are less bad days now, and more days of productivity, less tears, and more normalcy.  Some days I am painfully reminded that I don't have Andrew here with us. And then there are days that I'm actually a little relieved that I don't have two babies in diapers.

So now I'm spending most of my day with Sarah, occasionally subbing at the kids school, less time in therapy, more time in the gym, and as little time cleaning as possible! I'm settling into this idea of being a stay at home mom again. I do love it! Although this week I actually uttered that famous mom phrase of "I need to have some adult time!"